Diverting Amish
by lynn82md
Summary: Four reads the diary of Sara Miller, an Amish woman that leaves the largest Amish community in Illinois to Chicago when most of the community dies as a result from the fall out of the war. She travels to Chicago twenty years after the fractions are established and the wall had been built around the city. Four reads the adventures and struggles of Sara being in Dauntless.
1. Chapter 1

Diverting Amish

Author's Note: The majority of this takes place twenty years after the walls go up around Chicago and the fraction system had been established. When it's scenes involving Four and his mother Evelyn, it takes place two and half years after the events of Divergent.

Present Day

Four sighed as he came home. Today had been a long day at work. It didn't help that he missed Tris terribly. Today was the anniversary of her death. He found his mother, Evelyn, sitting on a chair in the living room reading a book. It looked aged. Like over fifty years. He was surprised his mom had it. Most reading material stayed at Erudite. Then again, his mom had been born in Erudite.

"What are you reading?" He asked curiously.

"The diary of Sara Miller" Evelyn replied. "She has been quite an inspiration to me over the years."

"Who is she?"

"She was an Amish woman." Evelyn explained. "She and her husband left their Amish community of Arcola when their children died. They ended up in Chicago twenty years after the fraction system had been established and the wall was surrounding the city."

"Amish?"

"I'm not surprised you don't know what the Amish are." She remarked dryly. "Anyone alive today wouldn't know what the Amish are."

"So, what are the Amish?"

"They are a deeply religious community." She replied. "They originated in northern Switzerland. They came to America in the sixteen hundreds seeking religious freedom. They weren't that different from everyone else in the sixteenth century. No one would really know how different they were until technology was introduced during the Industrial Revolution. They refused to own any technological devises and use electricity in their homes. People saw the Amish way of life as being frozen in time since their life hadn't changed much since the 1800s."

"So, why did this woman and her husband come to Chicago then?"

Evelyn smiled at him. "You just have to read and see." She handed him the book. "I decided to give this to you. I hope she helps you through today and other days when you really need it."

"Why would she?"

"Sarah Miller was a tough woman." Evelyn explained. "She's not just inspirational, Tobias. She is a very fascinating woman to read about. I've had this book since I was in Erudite."

"How did you get it?" Four asked skeptically.

"Someone found it in Dauntless." Evelyn replied. "They told me that it helped them a lot. It inspired them to leave Dauntless to go to Erudite."

"And you to leave father" Four said dryly.

She blushed. That was one area of their life that was sore. Evelyn had left her son at the mercy of her abusive husband, Marcus. She regret not bringing her only son with her. She didn't want him to be fractionless though. "Yes, yes she did"

"I don't know if it will help me, Mother."

"It will." She assured him. "Sara had gone through a lot of heart ache. I hope she will help you deal with your grief over Tris." She handed the book to him. "I'll go ahead and make dinner. If you have any questions, don't hesitate to ask." She headed to the kitchen.

The diary's pages had turned yellow with age. It had a musty smell to it. He took the book and sat down on his bed. Then, he began to read the diary of Sara Miller.

 _From the journal of Sara Miller_

Today had been hard. We buried our oldest child, John. He was just ten. It's not fair. I've been told by the bishops that life is not fair. I'm getting fed up of hearing this line repeated to me constantly over the last six months.

I have lost all six of my children these last six months. It started with my youngest, Elizabeth. She was just a month old. Then, the next two younger ones began to go. Their little bodies couldn't handle the wrath reaped upon them by the poisons in the ground and the toxins in the air. My older children were the next to go. My ten-year-old being the last to die.

I had sat beside each of them and watch Hell be released upon them as they died slowly. It has taken a part of my soul each time they died. Right now, I don't believe I have a soul left. If I do, it's a very tiny piece.

I prayed to God each time to help my babies. He didn't listen. I felt betrayed. I have done everything I was asked by him, the Bishops, and the priests. I have tried to live a sin-free life. I confessed my sins when I did sin. And yet, God never answered my prayers about those that I lost.

I feel alone. I know my husband is still here with me. My lovely husband of ten years, Jeremiah. I know he's on the verge of becoming lost to me too. He's sick too. It's the same way for him as it was for the children. I fear losing my husband. He's all I have left.

My children aren't the only ones that I have lost. My parents are gone. So are my brothers and sisters. My aunts, uncles, nieces, nephews, and cousins are gone too. My friends have either died or left this place months ago, which they risk being shunned if they return. Half of the community of Arcola has died. Would you believe that Arcola used to be the largest community of Amish in Illinois? Now, we're reduced to twenty. The poisons in the ground and toxins in the air are slowly killing us. They are a result of the war. A war we had nothing to do with. Yet, we're punished despite our lack of involvement. God didn't spare us.

As I write this, I hear my husband speak heatedly with the remaining bishop and priest. He wants to leave Arcola. He wants to get away from this toxic environment. Bishop and priest don't agree with his idea. They say that everywhere is probably as toxic as it is here. The cities like Chicago are probably more damaged than it is in the country side. My husband doesn't mind the risk of setting forth and seeing that for himself. They probably have fixed most things by now compared to here. The bishop and priest point out to him that if we leave Arcola, we're leaving the Amish. If we leave the Amish, we will be shunned. My husband counters with a "That is fine. We have no one left to miss us any way."

He's right. We don't. It would be one thing if our loved ones were still alive. It would've hurt if they had shunned us for leaving the Amish. However, since they're dead, it doesn't matter. Tomorrow we leave this place. Starting tomorrow, we will be shunned. I don't care. It's about time I break free from being Amish. Sticking to our old ways didn't help us in this situation. I don't see how it could get any worse. I don't want to be left alone when my husband does finally pass on to meet our Maker. I don't want to be in this toxic place when that happens.


	2. Chapter 2

_From the Journal of Sarah Miller_

A few days later, we're arrived at what had been the suburb of Chicago. It had been a brutal journey. It used to take two hours and nearly a half hour to reach Chicago by car or bus from Arcola. It took Jeremiah and I nearly four days to get to Chicago. We walked along the old highway of US-45 to get there. The road was heavily damaged. Just like every other town and place we passed along.

We originally set off with our trusted horse Lionel and our buggie. It began to get hard to ride in the buggie about an hour away from Chicago. Finally, we had to abandon it. Jeremiah had gone through the abandon shops along the way looking for back packs to put our stuff in. Otherwise, we would have to leave our stuff with our buggie too.

Jeremiah insisted I ride on Lionel's back as we walked over uneven ground the rest of the way. He was getting tired though. So was the horse. The horse was in worse shape. We had never had him go this far before. The day before we arrived in Chicago, Lionel couldn't get up. My husband had to kill him by putting a bullet into his head. That was hard. I didn't even watch when it happened. That wasn't the worst bit though. My husband salvaged what was left of Lionel so we wouldn't starve. We had no idea what to expect when we arrived in Chicago.

We were in shock when we finally arrived to what had been the suburban area of Chicago. The houses that once surrounded the great city had been leveled and removed. There was a huge bald spot of property surrounding the city. Other than the new "bald spot", a tall wall had been erected around most of downtown. At least, where we were looking at it from. We camped out for the night under an old road girder.

We arrived at the wall around the city. We were still amazed at how badly the city got damaged. The last time we saw Chicago was when we were both eight-years-old. Our school took a trip to Chicago. We all went on a bus. We were allowed to ride in cars, buses, and trains. We just weren't allowed to own them though.

"You two!" A voice barked at us from the wall. Well, the bottom part of it was solid like a wall. The part above it was like a fence. "Hands up in the air where we can see them?"

"We're Amish." My husband announced dryly. "Do you seriously think we have weapons on us?"

"Hands in the air! Now!" Another voice barked on us.

It took me a while to see there were a few people guarding the wall. My eye sight must be getting bad if I couldn't see them. They were all wearing black clothing. Their guns were pointing at us. I had put my hands in the air the moment the first guard said something. I nudged my husband gently in the leg to get him to put his hands in the air.

We heard the sound of a door opening. We realize that there was a door not far from where we were standing at. A few people emerged from the door with their guns drawn on us. There were five guards in total. They completely surrounded us. Four men and a woman

"What are your names?" The man in front of us asked curiously.

"We're Jeremiah and Sarah Miller." My husband replied. "We come from Arcola."

"Isn't that the largest Amish community in Illinois?" The same man asked us.

"Used to be" I replied dryly before my husband answered. He shot me a side glance. Whoops! Being out on the road and not seeing anyone in a few days must've rendered what I was taught as an Amish person dormant.

As an Amish person, I submitted my will to my husband. He was the head of the house. He was the one that answered questions. He was the one that made decisions. He was the one that disciplined when those in the house didn't behave themselves. I didn't mind it most of the time. There were a few occasions where I slipped up though. He never struck me though. Just reprimanded me with a dark stare that both attracted and scare me.

"She's correct." My husband added. "There were only twenty families left. That's down from a thousand. There were more members left, but that's out of four thousand and five hundred."

"Were you all affected during the war?" The female guard asked us curiously.

"After" Jeremiah replied. There was steel in his voice.

"Why did you all come here?" The first male guard asked.

"What do you think?" My husband asked bitterly. "There's nothing left for us in Arcola. The Amish community there is on it's knees. We lost all six of our children to the pollution and toxins that leaked into our environment from the weapons used. We wanted to get away from it."

It was at this time that my husband began to hack. When he moved his hand away from his mouth, blood was on his hand. "Are you okay?" The female guard asked with concern.

"Yeah, but I'm slowly dying." My husband replied sadly. "I don't know what the extent of the damage is."

"We'll let you in." The first guard said. "You both need to be quarantine first. Just to make sure you don't have anything that's contagious. We have no idea what you two may have caught out there."

"Understandable" My husband agreed.

They escorted us through the door entrenched into the wall and walked us to the medical facility that was on the edge of town. It was there so people coming to the city would be checked out before being released into the rest of the city.

"It is said that they will keep this place around for another thirty years." The first guard remarked. "Then, they will do away with it. The council assumes that once that time comes, there would be no more survivors in the outside world to come through here."

"Do you get many people coming here from outside Chicago?" My husband asked curiously.

"We did initially the first ten years after the war was over and the wall was erected."

"It's been quiet out there though for the last ten years."

"Of course" I said coldly. "Most people are dead. Either from the initial war or the fall out"

"Exactly" The first guard agreed. He seemed to ignore the coldness in my voice.

"Do you all know if any other cities or towns survived the war?" My husband asked.

"Not that we know of"

"Not that we saw" I added dryly.

My husband shot me another side glance. "Sarah" He warned.

"Is there a problem?" The female guard asked us curiously. She noticed the censure that my husband delivered to me.

"Yeah, my wife spoke out of place. Plus, I didn't like her tone."

"I've read that Amish women are supposedly to be subservient to their husbands." One of the other male guards remarked. Then, he added bashfully "Sorry, I used to be in Erudite."

"What's Erudite?" My husband asked curiously.

"It's the fraction where you value intelligence and knowledge." The same guard replied.

"I thought everyone would want to be knowledgeable on some level." I remarked. "I would've been happy if I got more than an eighth grade education."

"We all got eighth grade educations." My husband corrected me. He gave me another dark look. Hmmm...I wonder how many spankings I would be getting tonight. And I say this in a naughty fashion. Hey! It's okay to be naughty as long as you're married!

"After we complete the eighth grade in the Amish, girls are taught how to do womanly work while boys are taught how to do manly work." My husband continued.

"Got to love those gender roles!" The female guard said sarcastically.

"Amen to that" I agreed with her. Whoops! I got another dark look from Jeremiah.

"You said that Erudite is a fraction." My husband remarked. He was trying to change the subject. "What is a fraction?"

I should point out, by the way, that it took me A LOT to keep my mouth shut on this one. I wanted to tell him badly that a fraction was two numbers on top each other with a line separating them. I refrained from doing it though because I know I was pushing my luck with my husband's patience about my behavior.

"It's a group you're placed in that's based off your personality." The female guard replied. "There are five of them."

"Bravery, intelligence, kindness, honest, and peaceful" One of the other male guards added.

"Then you have the fractionless." Another male guard put in. "They have trouble fitting anywhere."

"You don't want to be fractionless." The female guard remarked. "They are like the homeless since there is no one to take care of them."

"Abnegation takes care of them." The second male guard countered.

"Who's Abnegation?" My husband asked.

"They are the kind and selfless fraction." The same guard replied.

"We call them the stiffs." The third guard said as we entered the medical facility. They walked us up to reception.

"Why?" I asked.

Before my question can be answered, the first guard told the receptionist "We have two outsiders that need to be checked out."

The receptionist looked at us in surprise. "The Amish? I thought they wouldn't have made it through the war."

"Oh, we did." I told her with fake cheeriness. "It's after the war that we began to get wiped out."

My husband gently nudged me in my side with his elbow. He gave me another one of his famous dark looks.

"What are your names?" The receptionist asked us.

"I'm Jeremiah Miller." My husband replied. He indicated me. "This is my wife, Sarah."

The receptionist came out from behind her desk. She said to us, "Come this way". To the guards, she said "I only need two of you." The female guard and the guard that used to be in Erudite stayed behind with us.

We were escorted to two different rooms. One room was for me. The other room was for Jeremiah. I felt nervous being away from him. Equally nervous about what the examination that awaited me. I was poked, prodded, pricked, x-ray, and examined from head to toe...inside and out. I was happy that the female guard offered me to hold her hand while they examined me, especially when they stuck me with needles to get blood work done and a pap smear. My husband went through the same ordeal, minus the pap smear.

The guards left us to leave us privacy as we were given a room. There was a shower, a living area, a table, and bed. We were to stay here for a week while they got the results from the tests. We were given meals through the door three times a day. We were let out a few times a day to get fresh air and sunlight on top of the roof. Before we knew it, a week was over and we got our results.

We sat in front of two doctors, one man and one woman. We sat in front of them with our hands clasped tight in each other's. We braced ourselves for what was to come.

"Let's start with Sarah." The female doctor began. "All the results from your blood work came back normal. You're over all a healthy person with the exception of having mild asthma. The only times you would have trouble is when you have allergies, weather changes, colds, and do certain things like laugh or sing. You will be given two inhalers. One is to prevent your asthma from getting worse. You take this twice a day, once in the morning and once in the evening." He handed me the inhaler with a orange nozzle. "You click it one to twice. It crushes the medicine. You inhale it through your mouth. Hold your breath for five seconds. Then, rinse your mouth out. Your other inhaler is for when you have an attack. You either wheeze, cough, have shortness of breath, or a tightness in your chest. Same instructions apply to that as your other inhaler. You only need to take this when you need it."

"Your turn now Jeremiah." The male doctor began. He sighed. "I'm sorry, but you didn't luck out as much as your wife did. Results and the examination have come back that you have stage 4 lung cancer"


	3. Chapter 3

Four was about to continue to read from the journal of Sarah Miller when his mom called him to come to dinner. They ate in silence for a while.

"I just read where Jeremiah found out he has cancer." Four remarked after swallowing a mouthful of food. "I can't imagine."

Most people that he knew tend to die unexpectedly. Yet, not surprising. That had been life in Dauntless. There were times where people died accidentally, were murdered, or committed suicide. He met never anyone where they knew they were going to die.

"Most of us can't these days." Evelyn remarked before putting a bite of carrot into her mouth.

"I wonder which is worse." Four mused. "Knowing someone is going to die or having it be unexpected. I mean...unexpected is bad too. If I knew Tris was going to die..." He trailed off. He couldn't finish it.

"That's death for you" Evelyn said dryly. "You don't always get a head's up that someone is about to go. On the other hand, is it better to know they are going to die verses than not knowing?"

Four thought for a moment. Was it really better to know in advance? "I don't know."

"Well, Sarah will tell you all about it." Evelyn said as she got up with her plate. "I'll clean up before I go."

"Okay, mother" Four said absently as he finished the rest of his dinner. He was interested in how the couple handled the news that Jeremiah was dying.

Evelyn left after she cleaned up the kitchen. Four went to bed with the diary and began to read where he had left off.

 _From the Journal of Sarah Miller_

Oh, no

Not this again. The cycle was about to begin once more. It starts off with one not feeling well. Then you get the news that they are dying from cancer or radiation poisoning. Next, you will get an idea of how long you have to wait until they leave this earth. You will watch them slowly waste away and you know there is no way to stop it from coming. You finally watch them take their last breath.

It was Hell on earth doing this with my six kids. Now, I'm going to have to do with Jeremiah. He is the only person I had left. Then, I would be surrounded by strangers once he dies.

My hand squeezed Jeremiah's. He did the same with mine. I looked at my husband's reaction. His handsome face was stoic. Yet, a muscle worked in his jaw. "I'm sorry, can you repeat that?"

"You have stage 4 lung cancer." The male doctor repeated. "There's basically nothing we can do for you at this point. We can give you treatment to help with the pain and with your breathing. However, there's not much we can do to stop it from progressing."

"So, my husband is going to die?" I asked numbly. I don't know why I asked this. I already knew the answer to the question.

"Yes" The male doctor replied. Exactly as I thought

"How long are you giving me?" Jeremiah asked curiously.

The male doctor took a deep breath. Obviously, he wasn't happy about giving us this kind of news. "Three months"

My husband closed his eyes. Tears streak down his cheeks. My cheeks had tears running down them too.

"We are so sorry." The male doctor told us sympathetically.

There was a moment of silence as my husband's prognosis sank deep into our brains. Finally, Jeremiah asked "What happens now?"

"We give you med-"

"Not with my cancer" My husband cut him off. "What will happen to my wife once I go? I want to know that she would be look after once I'm gone."

The two doctors looked at each other before looking at us again. "We assume she will stay here in Chicago." The female doctor guessed. To me, she asked "You don't plan on going back to the Amish once he dies, right?"

"No, I'm staying here."

"Then whatever fraction she joins will look after her." The female doctor assured us.

"Which fraction would that be?" Jeremiah inquired.

"Whatever fraction she chooses" The male doctor answered.

"She would do that at the Choosing Ceremony." The female doctor added.

"The Choosing Ceremony is mostly for those that sixteen. That's the age where they can become full fledged members of society."

"I thought that happened when one became eighteen?" I remarked with confusion.

"That was before the end of the war." The male doctor agreed. "It's now sixteen."

"Ah, I see."

"These kids take a test the day before the Choosing Ceremony." The female doctor told them. "The test gives them a bunch of scenarios to see how they respond until there is a result. That result tells them what fraction they would be better in. Of course, the kid can decide to choose what fraction they should be in rather than go by the test's result."

"Free will" My husband remarked.

The female doctor smiled at him. "Exactly"

"Aren't we a little bit old for the test?"

"It is true that only sixteen-year-olds take the test these days." The male doctor agreed. "However, we have let stragglers take the test too so they can fit in here. The counsel rather give them the opportunity to try to fit into one of the fractions before letting them go fractionless. Or let them leave here. Though that rarely happens"

"The Choosing Ceremony is in a week from now." The female doctor said. "We'll take you both to the council."

We gathered our belongings in the room we stayed in this last week. Jeremiah had his Bible and Prayer Book. I took my Prayer book and my recipe book. Then, we were met up with the two doctors and the same two guards that stayed by our side during our examinations. We walked to where they held council, which was outside.

There were five people in dreary gray clothes that sat at a long table. There were files and papers on the table in front of them. The man sitting in the middle held a gavel. They had been discussing something quietly when we approached them.

"Council" The male doctor addressed them. "We have two outsiders that want amnesty in our city. We have examined them both. They don't have anything that's dangerous to our society. The woman does have a mild case of asthma while her husband has stage four lung cancer."

"They're Amish!" One of the male members said in surprise. "I didn't think they were left!"

He wasn't the only one surprised by seeing us. With the exception of the man sitting in the middle, they were all murmuring about us.

"How much time does the man have left?" Another male member asked. I noticed there weren't any women on the council. Typical

"Three months" The female doctor replied. There was more murmuring among the council.

"Are they married?"

"Yes" Jeremiah replied instead of the doctors. I could tell he was getting annoyed at being talked and asked about when he was right there. However, he got a taste of what I had to deal with being an Amish woman when I was among men.

"Order to grant amnesty?" The middle man asked the small group. I took it that he was the leader of the council. There was an unanimous "aye". The leader added, "Motion granted."

"Where will they stay until the Choosing Ceremony?" The male doctor asked curiously.

"With my family and I in Abnegation." The leader replied.


	4. Chapter 4

_From the Journal of Sarah Miller_

Abnegation is like the Amish except it's less religious. You do have families within the fraction that do follow and live their lives for God. However, if you're not religious, you won't be expected to leave Abnegation. We didn't have that luxury being Amish.

The Amish were Anabaptist. This means that people got baptized when they were adults rather than children or infants. You can't become a full member of the Amish church unless you're old enough to independently state your faith. This happened between the ages of sixteen and twenty-four. It was the biggest decision you would ever have to make as an Amish person. Think of it as making a life long commitment to God.

It's funny when I think about it. When you're a teen in the Amish, you're given a free pass because it's common for teens anywhere to get into trouble. Anything we do as teenagers is not punished too harshly. It's believed that it will keep Amish teens closer to the community in the long run. Like join the Amish church. The reason why I find this amusing? If you pull the same thing after you join the church, you will be judged and punished more harshly. It is because when you're young, you're still learning the ropes of things moral. Once you join the church, you should be able to understand what it is a sin and what isn't. Let alone, control temptation more

We're given a period of time where we could "run around" before we're to decide if we will join the church or not. We call this period Rhumschpringa. We go out into the English world and see what they have to offer that we are denied in the Amish. When I say "English world", I'm not referring to the British. We call everyone outside the Amish community English.

When it's time to choose, we either get baptize into the church or we don't. If we don't, we lose the connection with our family. Many Amish parents do not accept their kids leaving the Amish. Eventually, the kids become shunned. Hell, anyone becomes shunned once they choose to leave the Amish. You can come back. You will still be shunned. It usually lasts four weeks after you return. Or you cut your hair and you will be shunned until it grows back to the length it was originally. Prior to leaving the Amish a week ago, I never had been shunned. I never had to have people not take things from me or cease contact with me because I was "unclean". I knew others that were. They either decided not to join the church when they were eighteen or left sometime after leaving the church.

The English could join the Amish. They were expected to abandon the lives they had prior to becoming Amish. They would stay with an Amish family to learn how to be Amish. They would eventually be voted on whether they can join the Amish or not. However, leaving the Amish as English was easier than leaving it as Amish. You would simply return to those that loved you when you became Amish. You weren't barred from seeing your family and friends. You could easily return to them. However, once you were excommunicated from the Amish as English, it was final.

During that trip to Chicago when I was ten, my class had learned about gangs since Chicago had them. I was shocked to learn that death was the only way you could leave a gang. You weren't allowed to leave a gang once you joined. It was almost the same way for the Amish. You were greatly hindered from leaving the Amish when you were born Amish. Luckily, no one murdered you if you would just be shunned.

Shunning was not the worst thing that can happen to you as an Amish person. If you receive the Meidung order, it meant banishment from the community. The only way back into the Amish once you got the Meidung was death or genuinely apologize for your mistakes.

You weren't just shunned for leaving the Amish. You were shunned or punished for other offenses. I reckon that if you started believing in anything other than God like not believing there is a God or you think there is a Goddess...oh, yeah...you would be shunned. You would be shunned until you believed in God again. It wasn't just that. If you believed in different aspects of Christianity that conflicted with what the Amish believed, that got you shunned too.

Other than the Bible, the Amish vehemently followed the Ordnung. It was the rules that the Amish had to live by everyday. We had this hammered into our heads by the bishops once every six months to remind us what the rules were. If you want to know how strict it was, let me put it to you this way. Even if a woman like myself had her cap strings a bit loose, they get on you about that. They believed that if they let the tiniest issues slip by, bigger issues would eventually crop up in the future. They also believed that the Ordnung was a way to keep the Amish culture around the way it was. They believed that any diversion of that would lead to the Amish fading away. Well, no one thought about a fall out from a war doing that to us apparently. At least, with the fire power that was used during the war.

What was amusing to me during my stay with a family in Abnegation was how things in that fraction were even more strict than the Amish. Food was a big one. Food was one of the most important aspects of Amish life. We used food as a way to celebrate. Cakes and pies were a good way of celebrating something. We would have community potlucks where everyone brought something to share with the community. It wasn't just a good time to eat delicious food. It was a good way for us to be together and talk. Abnegation's attitude to food was what I imagined people in the English jail would eat. They had a plant base diet with no sauces and limited seasonings.

Their attitude to courting and affection were also different. The one major similarity we had was that there was no sex before marriage. After we're married, us Amish folks had no qualms holding hands and kissing in public. Abnegation thought kissing should be a private matter and that affection is powerful, so that it's rarely seen in public. They didn't believe that two people that weren't married should be in the same room. When Amish court, we're allowed to go on dates without supervision. We could share a beverage and go on a carriage ride. We had Bundling too. Bundling is common in Amish courtship. A young couple spends the night together in the same bed fully clothed and they stay up all night just talking. A board splits the bed between two where the guy sleeps on one side and the woman sleeps on the other. That board does stay up even after a couple is married. On one hand, you don't have to share a blanket or fight over one.

Those in the Abnegation fraction don't decorate their homes. They believe it's impractical and time taken away from helping others. Amish have no issues decorating the walls of their homes. Sure, we don't go crazy with decoration. However, we're not dissuaded from it either.

Both the Abnegation fraction and Amish wear plain clothes. Abnegation seemed a bit strict with coloring of their clothes than we did. They wore drab gray and tried not to bring attention to themselves. They were allowed to wear a simple gray watch as an accessory. Men cut their hair short while women pinned their hair up.

Depending which Amish sect you lived in, you could wear all black like you were attending a funeral. I was a part of an Old Order Amish community. Women in my community (as well as any other that were Old Order) wore modest dresses with long sleeves, full skirts, aprons, and capes. If you were married, you wore a white cap. If you were single, you wore a black cap. We didn't wear make up. We didn't cut our hair. We didn't wear bright colors. Basically, we wouldn't be allowed to wear light orange that I saw some members of Amity wear.

Men in the Old Order wore dark suits, suspenders, solid colored shirts, black socks, black shoes, and black or straw brimmed hats. Men had beards if they were married. Both unmarried and married men were not allowed to have mustaches. This dates back to 1800s when mustaches were a fashion statement for the wealthy and the military. Both wealth and military service were highly disapproved by the Amish. Both women and men shunned watches, jewelry, and other adornments like watches.

There was another reason why we didn't shave and cut our hair. It had to do with something called Gelassenheit. It means "Let be". Gelassenheit was the same reason why Amish limited their use of technology. Some sects almost entirely shun electricity. We did this because we believed that the world should be left as close as God created it. In my community, we weren't allowed to own cars.

Abnegation was less strict than us there as they did use electricity. They just didn't use too much of it. Although, I have to say, that was the case these days with everyone. Chicago was powered by wind. There was no electrical grid any more giving endless power. Everyone used limited electricity now.

The glaring similarity between the Amish and Abnegation was the selflessness. We both place others above ourselves. In the Amish, the community was more important than the individual. We helped anyone that needed it. Abnegation had been formed by people that blamed selfishness for human nature's errors. They believed that selfless actions and attaining peace through elimination of selfishness. Missionaries and those that dedicated their life to charity formed the fraction.

We stayed with the leader of the council. His name is Stephen. His wife is Mary. They had two children. Their oldest was their daughter named Lily. She was sixteen and was going through the same Choosing Ceremony as we were. The couple had a son named Ben, who was ten. They were fascinated by the life we led in the Amish. They wanted some pointers that they could establish for the fraction in the future. My husband and I couldn't really come up with anything though.

The fraction had been set up differently than the Amish. We believed in the Amish that doing good deeds in your community was better to get you into God's good grace than simple worship at a church. Obviously, that wasn't the fraction came into existence. We made the suggestion to indulge in food a little bit. However, they said that would make them selfish since self-indulgence was a no no.

I had already made one crucial decision while I stayed with the leader's family in Abnegation. I wasn't going to choose that fraction at the Choosing Ceremony.


	5. Chapter 5

_From the Journal of Sarah Miller_

Today is the day that Jeremiah, Lily, and I take the test. It would determine which fraction we belong in. As I remarked in the previous entry, I already decided not to choose Abnegation. It's too much like the Amish, except less religious. Still, they are strict in certain areas that I know I would have a hard time adapting to like their view on food. Food is the life for me and Jeremiah just like it is with anyone in the Amish. Or formerly Amish

If they had a similar view on food like we did, I would definitely consider becoming a part of the Abnegation fraction. I'm not though. Last night, Jeremiah and I talked about it. He won't be joining Abnegation either. He's more interested in joining Amity, which is also similar to the Amish as they farm the land and believe strongly in peace. I have to admit that Amity was tempting to join too. However, I wanted to see what the test would say before I decided what fraction to join.

We walked to the building where they conducted the test with Lily. All the sixteen-year-olds in the city were going to take this test today. Along with those not from the city that were already sixteen and over like Jeremiah and I. The teens were standing in five lines that represented the five fractions of the city: Dauntless, Abnegation, Amity, Candor, and Erudite.

No one stood in the Dauntless line yet. I've seen Dauntless members though on the street when I went out with Lily and her mother. They wore black and red. I wondered if this was the fraction that was late, even though they still had time before the doors opened up. This was the fraction that defended the city. They were the military, police, and basically the city's guardians. They valued bravery and courage. Their symbol was, what looked like, a camp fire. Dauntless had been formed by those that once served in the military, intelligence, police, and security. Supposedly, there were a few daredevils that had joined them too when the fraction was first formed.

The line for Erudite had teens with shades of blue on. This fraction valued knowledge and intelligence. They had the facts because they studied everything they could get their hands on. They were formed by those that once worked as academics, scientists, scholars, historians, Mensa members, and people that had a thirst for knowledge. Their symbol was an eye.

The line for Candor had teens wearing white and black on. They valued the truth. They were brutally honest. They formed the fraction since they believed that dishonesty had been the cause of evil and war. I couldn't fault them on that. After all, one of the ten commandments was "Thou shall not lie". Of course, it was hard to implement at times...especially if you want to spare someone from hurting their feelings. I had to do that with my kids at times. I don't think this fraction would be for me in the long run even if it was vital not to lie when I was Amish. Their symbol is unbalanced scales.

The line for Amity had teens wearing colors of the earth like green, orange, gold, and dark red. They were the fraction that valued peace, kindness, neutrality, and trust. The fraction formed because of their dislike of war and wanted a society free from conflict. It's original members were pacifists, anti-war activists, farmers, and charity workers. Their symbol was a tree since they farmed the land and provided most of the food for the fractions.

The line for Abnegation had teens that wore shades of gray. I already mentioned what Abnegation was about except what their symbol was. It was a pair of hands helping another pair of hands. Their leader Stephen said that Jeremiah and I can stand in line with the others from Abnegation since we had stayed with them for a week. That, and because of their aforementioned similarity with the Amish. After all, they didn't have any fraction for ex-Amish to stand in line for.

Jeremiah and I stuck out like a sore thumb. Stephen didn't mind us wearing our Amish plain clothes while we stayed with him this past week. He did point out though that had to change once we joined the fraction we wanted to choose. That was fair enough. Teens from the four of the five fractions gawked at us and talked among themselves about us. We got conversations like;

"Who are they? What fraction is that?"

"I heard they are the Amish."

"What are the Amish?"

"I didn't know the Amish were still around!"

"What are they doing here?"

"They look like they're time travelers."

We stood in line with Abnegation and gawked at them. See how they like it! Don't get me wrong. I'm used to being looked at like I'm a monkey at a zoo. People had seen the Amish as a tourist attraction prior to and during the war. People saw the Amish life as a simple life where we were literally stuck in time due to our ways regarding Gelassenheit. Quick quiz: Do you remember what that term means? I'll give you a few to remember. Okay, time's out. It means "Let it be". Amish wanted to keep things as close as how the earth was when God created it. Technology wasn't one of those things that was around when God created the earth.

The doors were opening in five minutes. Dauntless still wasn't there. Then, I heard a train approaching. I was shocked when I watched a bunch of teens in black and dark red clothing jump out of the train onto a grass hill. They rolled down it after they jumped onto it. As soon as they were off the train and on solid ground, the kids made a beeline for the door with the campfire symbol on top of it. I was surprised to see that the girls were wearing tight clothing. There were a few kids with colored hair. Or a few girls with their hair cut VERY short. Once they standing in line, they looked around. Their eyes rested on Jeremiah and I. They pointed to us and laughed. I suddenly had an unladylike impulse to show them the bird. Not only would that be rude here, but it was certainly looked down harshly in the Amish. However, I didn't feel like pissing off my husband by giving these kids such a gesture.

We were finally admitted into the building where we filed into a large room. A woman that wore blue clothes, which means she is from Erudite, talked to us about the fractions.

"Twenty years ago, the fractions were established." She explained. "They were put in place to prevent another conflict that destroyed this country and most of the world from happening again. Today you will take a test to determine what fraction you should be in. You are free to make the choice that of what fraction you should be despite what the test result was. Any questions?"

A girl from Amity raised her hand. The woman from Erudite pointed at her. The Amity girl asked, "Are you allowed to return to your old fraction if you choose to be in a new fraction."

"You can for the time being." The Erudite woman replied. "We would like to let you all know that there is talk that only people can return to their families if they don't do well during their fraction's initiation period. Eventually, if you transfer to another fraction and you don't pass their initiation requirements, you will have to become fractionless."

A boy from Candor raised his hand. He was called on. "Why is that?"

"It is believed that if you don't fit in with two fractions, you most likely don't fit in anywhere."

"So, we become homeless because we didn't comply with two fractions?" A girl from Dauntless remarked dryly.

"Basically"

The whole room murmured in disbelief. I took this that this was a new idea that they haven't heard before. My husband and I looked at each other. This wasn't a new concept to us. It's also like what I said in the previous entry. If you are too much trouble for even the Amish to handle, you can be banished from there. It is a scary thing because you're not taught about how to survive as an individual in the Amish. You're taught how to survive as a community. You put the community above yourself. It was no different here in Chicago.

They called us up in fives. They would lead us to a row of five doors where each person had to stand in front of. Jeremiah and I were called with Lily, a guy from Dauntless, and the same Amity girl that asked a question earlier. Jeremiah and I brought up the rear of the group. I held his hand the whole time. In fact, my hand gripped his. I was beginning to get scared now that I was about to take this test. I didn't know what to expect. We remained holding hands as we each stood in front of the door. We squeezed each other's hands and said "I love you" to each other before the doors opened.


	6. Chapter 6

_From the Journal of Sarah Miller_

I had timidly stepped into the room. It was about the size of a horse's stall in a barn. A huge mirror took up one wall. There was a recliner in the middle of the room next to a computer. A woman that appeared to be in her late thirties to early forties sat at the computer.

"Hello" I said shyly. I was raised to be mannerly by giving an introduction and saying good bye when I left. Even if it scared me a lot

The woman looked up. Her hair was in dreads and it was black. Her eyes were brown. Tattoos covered her arms. She had multiple piercings on her ears and one in her nose. Her midriff showed and I saw she had a belly ring.

"Amish" She mused. "Here I thought you were all wiped out"

 _Why does everyone thinks that about us_ , I angrily though. I looked at myself in the mirror.

I knew what I looked like. Amish weren't like Abnegation where they couldn't look into a mirror for more than three seconds since Abnegation had completely rejected vanity. My auburn hair had been rolled up into a bun that was hiding beneath the white cap. My stormy blue eyes had a mixture of wonder and worry. I wore a long black dress with a white apron. I still looked relatively young for my age. No one would believe that I'm a thirty-year-old mother of six children. I couldn't believe myself that I was a thirty-year-old that had bred six children. Not even the stress and Hell I've been enduring these last several months with losing my children and on the verge of losing my husband had not ravaged my face. The only indicator I can see is that there were bags under my eyes from the lack of sleep as my mind thought that it would be more fun to worry about stuff during the middle of the night rather than during the day.

Now, what Amish weren't supposed to do was to take pictures of ourselves and keep them since they were graven images. We weren't completely opposed to being photographed because people from the English world always took photos of us. We weren't allowed to pose. We basically had a look on our faces that resembled a person if they received dreadful news. Sometimes, we would look at the ground and not let our faces be shown. I didn't have pictures of my kids, my husband, and I because of this.

"My name is Tara." The woman said, interrupting my thoughts. "I'll be conducting your test. The test will give you a list of scenarios until you get one result. I wouldn't worry about it. Ninety percent of the people that take this tend to get the fraction they were born in. Seventy percent choose the fraction they were born in."

"I guess I wouldn't be among those percentages." I remarked dryly.

The woman looked at me. "No, you wouldn't." She said before she handed me a small cup. It was filled with a blue-greenish liquid.

"What's this?" I asked curiously.

"Drink up"

I swallowed the contents without sniffing it. It was no different than when I did shots while I was in my Rhumschpringa period. I was happy that the serum didn't taste disgusting. It kind of reminded me of mouth wash a bit.

I blinked. When I turned my head to where Tara had been, she and the computer had vanished. Okay, that had been odd. I got up from the chair and looked at myself in the mirror. I looked to my right. There was another image of me. Same thing when I looked to the left. I looked behind me and there were rows of rows of me. It was actually very disorienting for me. I felt a wave of nausea come over me. I dropped to my knees and put a hand on my forehead. When I got my bearings, I braced myself and stood up. All of my other images repeated the same movement.

I looked around. I saw one image that was greatly out of place compared to the others. It wasn't moving like the rest of it should. While all the images that I would've saw had been facing me, the other wasn't. It's back was to me. I reached out and touched her shoulder. Just as I did that, I felt a hand on my shoulder.

It was me. "Choose...now, before it's too late."

Two metal bowls appeared before me. One held a piece of raw steak. The other held a knife. I reached for the cut of meat.

"Why?" I asked the image.

I jumped when I heard a loud bark behind me. There was a big German Shepherd dog. I didn't like dogs. I had a bad incident years ago when a tourist's pit bull got lose and chased my fourth child, Elizabeth. I had thrown my arm in the path of the dog's mouth, so it clamped on that rather than Elizabeth. I got a nasty dent in my arm that required a lot of stitches.

I gave the dog the piece of meat with a shaky hand. He went to work on it. Then, he walked over to me. I froze like a statue. He licked my hand. I nervously petted his head.

"Doggy!" A child's voice exclaimed in delight behind me. I looked behind me to see a girl of seven or eight from Abnegation.

I heard a growl behind me. I was surprised that the dog was looking at the girl like she had done something wrong to him like steal his steak. He started taking off after her. The girl looked shocked that the dog was chasing after her. My fear of dogs died the moment he started to make a run for her. Memories of the pit bull chasing Elizabeth sprang back into my mind. I couldn't let it happen. I will be damned if I let any dog get a hold of a child, even if the child isn't mine.

I ran after the dog. I quickly gained ground on him. I tackled him. I expected to feel the impact of the floor as I fell with the dog, but I never felt anything. I had woken up from the serum induced test.

I felt queasy. "Going to be sick" I warned her. She handed me a sick bag before I could vomit every where. When I stopped throwing up, she had me throw the bag into the trash can.

"How are you feeling?" Tara had asked me with concern.

"Dizzy" I replied, leaning back into the chair. I felt faint for some odd reason.

"Let me get my supervisor" Tara said. She pulled out a walkie talkie. "Matt, I need you in here." She stood up and went over to the sink in the corner of the room. She got a paper towel and put water on it. She came back to me and put it on my forehead. "Are you thirsty?" I nodded. She went back to the sink to get me a small cup of water. I drained the cup in a few sips.

A tall man entered the room a minute later. I felt guilty as I thought the man was achingly handsome. He had olive-tan skin, brown eyes that bordered on being black, and brown hair that was a bit lightish brown at the tips. He wore all black like she did. He was probably from Dauntless. He went straight to me, and put two fingers to my pulse.

"What is your name?" He asked me curiously.

"Sarah"

"She's Amish, Matt." Tara remarked. Matt looked at her like she had three heads.

"You don't say?" He said sarcastically. Tara turned her head away from him and rolled her eyes. "Anything odd happen during the test?" He asked Tara.

"She encountered a fear." Tara replied. "Her NPS levels sky rocketed when the dog was introduced in the simulation."

"What is NPS?" I asked curiously.

"Neuropeptide S" Tara replied. "It's a neurotransmitter in the brain that regulates fear and anxiety"

"Are you afraid of dogs?" Matt inquired. I nodded.

"She faced her fear quite well." Tara said with admiration.

"Anything else?" Matt asked as he showed a light into my eyes. I blinked when the light hit them.

"I don't know if this factors into it." I intervened, even if he was asking his colleague the question. "I felt disoriented when I saw multiple images of myself. It made me feel dizzy."

"I have no idea." Matt said. "I have never heard of anyone going through this before. Some people get sick because of the serum, so maybe you're having a reaction to it."

"Is it dangerous?" I asked nervously.

"It can be." He replied. "With you though, no...it's not. Just take a breather here for a bit before you go. Tara can give you the results from the test while you right yourself."

"Okay" I said as he nodded towards both of us. Then, he left. "So, what fraction should I be in?"

Tara looked at the computer. She frowned a bit. She typed in a few things before she turned her attention back to me. "You have two results."

"Is that a bad thing?"

"It can be."

"Why?"

"You're not too far from the border of being a Divergent."

I raised my eyebrow at the term. "What's a Divergent?"

"Someone that can't be controlled by the fraction system." She replied. "Their minds don't work like others. They can literally fit into each fraction."

"And that's not good here?"

Tara shook her head. "No...Divergents are too enigmatic. They're not predictable. Since you can't predict their behavior, you can't control it. It's scary to society to have someone like that."

"It was scary too before the war considering how I saw others treat those that were different from them." I remarked dryly.

"That's not the same thing."

"Is it?"

"Think how that would be in the Amish"

I thought for a bit. "Too much trouble would've resulted in them being banished from the Amish."

"That's how Divergents are in this society." Tara stated firmly.

"So, I'm Divergent?"

She shook her head. "No, but you're not far off from being one. If you would've had one more result, your results would've been inconclusive since the test wouldn't have worked on you. When the test doesn't work on you, it can't tell you which fraction you should join because it can't make up it's mind which one you should be in."

"I see" I mused. I noticed I was beginning to feel better. "So, what fraction should I be in?" I repeated, beginning to get slightly impatient.

"Amity is your over all answer." Tara replied. "The other is Dauntless".


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7

 _Present Day_

Four couldn't focus while he was at work. His mind was divided between his thoughts on Tris and Sarah. He was missing Tris very much. It didn't matter if two and a half years have passed since her death. He wasn't with her when she died. He wished he was. He would've either taken the bullet for her or killed Daniel himself for killing her. Then, he would've turned the gun on himself while being beside her body.

He shook his head in anger to clear it. _I wouldn't have killed myself_ , he amended. Tris wouldn't want him to take his life because she died. She would've wanted him to go on without her. It's like she wouldn't want him to take the memory serum to forget who she was. Both the serum and suicide were coward's way out. At least, in his case. If someone wanted to really forget their traumatic past or an event that had severely scarred them for life mentally...that was one thing. If someone wanted to commit suicide because they suffered from some illness with no cure in sight or had an injury that left them in incredible amounts of pain with no relief...that was also another thing. However, to escape from dealing with grief of losing someone? No

He rubbed his eyes. He felt tears stinging them. Damn it! He didn't want to cry! Especially in front of his co-workers. He hadn't cried since Tris died. Before that, it was when he thought Tris had died after the simulation that Jeanne put her under when she was trying to uncover a box that Tris' mother, Natalie, had that contained the message about Divergents. It ended up being a message that had gone against what Jeanne had expected.

He needed to distract himself from his grief of Tris. So, he forced himself to think about Sarah. It had been interesting enough to read about a woman from a culture that he didn't know about prior to reading Sarah's journal. The Amish sounded intriguing like they had been while they had been around back in Sarah's time. They did remind him of Abnegation, but there was definitely traces of Amity within them too since the Amish were pacifists.

He was looking forward to reading what fraction that Sarah will choose. He was getting to that part in her journal. She had just finish taking the aptitude test that determined which fraction she should be in. Amity was her over all result, which didn't surprise him. What did surprise him was two things. One was that she was very close to being divergent like him and Tris. The second was Dauntless had been her second answer.

Amity and Dauntless were completely opposite of each other. More so than Abnegation and Dauntless were. Amity was extremely anti-war while Dauntless would have to go to war if the need arise. Sometimes you needed to kick someone's ass to get peace, especially if they weren't open up to diplomacy. Or you get attacked with no provocation. Just like what Dauntless-Erudite Alliance did with Abnegation. Jeanne and Max both knew that many Dauntless members wouldn't have been game to attack Abnegation without a reason. That's why they had to use that serum on it's members. It worked on most people except Divergents like himself and Tris. If it weren't for them, many Dauntless members like Christina would've murdered many innocent people.

He felt his thoughts slowly go back to Tris. He forced himself to continue to think about Sarah. The relationship that Dauntless and Amity had was no different than what the Amish and the military back then had. No relation what so ever. Sure, Dauntless members protected Amity as well as everyone else within the wall surrounding Chicago. However, they weren't buddy buddy. It's like how any security or defense body that was around back in Sarah's time protected the Amish, but they weren't buddy buddy with them. Like Sarah had remarked in her journal, the Amish didn't join the military. They didn't serve as police officers, FBI, CIA, security, or anything like that. The only way they would if they had left the Amish and joined the "English world".

The situation with Sarah is that she had left the Amish. However, which fraction would she join? She had already stated she wouldn't join Abnegation because it was like the Amish and she didn't like their view on food. Amity would be next that would be similar to the Amish due to their pacifism and farming the land. However, there seemed to be an anger within Sarah that may make it difficult for her to be in Amity. Anger wasn't a good thing to have when you were in Amity. He saw that with Tris when they had fled there after the attack on Abnegation.

It was true that Amity members are encouraged to eat the bread because it contains peace serum. They don't feel any anger or any negative emotions when they were on that serum. So, perhaps the serum could help Sarah if she is feeling any anger and bitterness from losing her children. Or her husband eventually

He was eventually able to get focused again to start working. It was soon time to leave work and go home. He had dinner and went straight to bed with the book on the pillow. When he opened it up to where he left off, there was two pictures taped onto the page.

One was a picture of a man and a woman sitting down among Abnegation members. He looked at the writing on the bottom of the picture. " _Someone took this of us at the Choosing Ceremony_ ". They definitely looked out of place. Her husband wore a straw brim hat. He had a brown beard, but no mastasche. He wore a white shirt with black suspenders and black pants. His eyes were blue. He had a very athletic built though. Sarah wore a long black dress with a white apron. She wore a white cap that covered her hair. She had very beautiful blue eyes. She looked very small sitting next to her husband. They were looking at the stage where the five bowls sat. They were holding hands. They both looked very nervous. The other picture had Sarah looking directly at the person taking the picture. There was something mesmerizing about her stare.

Four resumed where he had left off reading

 _From the Journal of Sarah Miller_

"How did I get Dauntless?" I asked curiously.

Tara read the computer. "You went after the dog when it chased the little girl."

I blinked in surprise. "Because I stop a dog attacking a little girl, the test suddenly thinks I'm Dauntless material?"

"Yep"

"I've done that before though." I told her. "A tourist had a pit bull with them a few years ago. The dog got lose and made a bee line for my daughter. She was four at the time. I went after the dog and threw my arm into it's mouth rather than risk the dog biting my daughter. I had to get a lot of stitched for that." I pulled up my sleeve and showed her the scar.

"That would definitely make you Dauntless." Tara remarked as she looked over the scar. "This looks so wicked."

"Hurt like hell"

"I can imagine."

"So, what do I do now?"

"The Choosing Ceremony is tomorrow." Tara explained. "You have five bowls to choose from. Cut your self a little bit in your hand and let the blood fall into one of the bowls. Whatever bowl the blood goes into, it's the fraction you will be in."

"Which fraction should I choose though?"

She looked at me like I lost my mind. Then, she smiled at me. "That is up to you."

"So, what did you get?" Jeremiah asked me while we were walking to Abnegation's living quarters after we left the building that conducted the test. Lily wasn't with us. She was helping an old woman from Candor with carrying bags to her home.

"What did you get?" I evaded.

He gave me a look. "If I tell you, you tell me."

"Fine" I said with a wave of my hand.

"I got Amity."

"Not surprised"

"Nor I" Jeremiah remarked. He wrapped an arm around my shoulders. "Your turn!"

I gave him a look. "I got two results."

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah" I replied. "She said that Amity was my over all result."

"What was the other result?"

I cleared my throat. "Dauntless"

He stopped in his tracks. "Dauntless?"

"Yeah" I said, stopping with him.

He was silent for a moment. I guess he was shocked as I had been when I found out that the warrior fraction was recommended for me. "Okay" He said after a while. He resumed walking. "Why did they say you should belong in Dauntless?"

"I stopped the dog from going after the girl." I replied.

"Ah, I just tried to distract him by whistling at it."

We walked the rest of the way back to Abnegation in silence. We were eating dinner with Stephen and his family when Jeremiah brought up a good question.

"What would happen if my wife would chose a fraction different from mine?" He asked curiously. I could hear a touch of concern in there though.

Everyone at the table literally stopped eating as if my husband had asked if it was okay to kick a puppy. I raised an eyebrow at their surprise.

"You could still maintain the marriage at this point." Stephen told him. "However, it's difficult to be married to someone else in a different fraction because fraction comes before blood."

"What?" My husband asked curiously.

"Another words...community before the individual and their family." I whispered dryly to him. It was no different from how the mentality of the fractions were from that of the Amish.

"What your wife said." Stephen said evenly.

I blushed a bit. I had no idea that I whispered that loudly. Or that he had super good hearing. "I'm sorry." I said to him.

"It's no problem." He said with a smile. It didn't reach his eyes though. "I take it that you don't like the idea."

"Don't get me wrong." I countered. "I understand where the fractions are coming from with that line of thinking. It's to establish loyalty and make that fraction a priority over everything else. It's like how I understood why the Amish bishops preached about how an individual makes up a community and how I'm an individual grain making a big loaf of bread. Just because I understand it doesn't mean I agree with it."

"Can you explain why you don't agree with it?" He asked gently.

Jeremiah put his hand on my knee and gave it a slight squeeze in warning. "Hon" He warned.

Stephen held up his hand at him. "No, Jeremiah" He reprimanded my husband. "It's okay. I want to hear her opinion." He held my husband's gaze for a bit. "Women can have their opinion here."

I inwardly cringed for my husband's benefit. My husband couldn't help being the way he was. Amish men were raised with believing that their wives were subservient to them and that they were the ones that made all the decisions. It's kind of like how I would have a problem stop being subservient because of my upbringing being taught that men ruled over me. I'm sure that both my husband and I will break out of both roles eventually. Well, particularly me since my husband didn't have that much time left.

"We are taught that the community is everything and to place it above ourselves." I began. "Well, what would happen if there is no more community left? Either because it's been wiped out by illness, war, or you're removed from it. It's just you left. And if you put all of your effort into your community and not yourself, you are not going to have anything left once that community is gone."

It took so much effort not to start crying. Memories of how many people I have lost in less than the past year hurt me greatly. I was about to lose one more.

"I can understand where you're coming from, Sarah." Stephen said sympathetically. "However, you will always be looked after here. One of the reasons why we have the belief of "Fraction before blood" is that we do believe that putting a community first above an individual and family is you can get more help with a community watching over your back than just yourself or family. We should be here for you as you should be here for the community."

"Personally, I don't see why both can't have much focus on them." I added. "I agree that too much focus on one's self isn't good and I've seen how bad it can be when you take all of your focus on the community. How can be bad though if you give equal focus to both community and the individual?"

"We've already seen what that could do." Stephen remarked.

"Have you?" I countered.

"Those of us that remember things prior to the war." He replied. "Many of us got a college education. People in Erudite can confirm that now."

"Interesting because despite being raised in an environment where I had to focus on community over self, I don't recall anyone ever having the view that both should be equally focused upon." I argued calmly. "What you had was both kinds of people that either just wanted to focus on nothing but themselves or their families if they had one. Or they wanted to focus on everyone else but themselves. I don't remember coming across anyone like me that believed where both the self and others can get equal amounts of attention. And trust me, I came across a lot of people when I was in my Rhumschpringa period."

Stephen smiled at me. "Well, I guess we have to agree to disagree there Sarah."

I frowned though. "I guess we do."

"So, being in a different fraction when you're married isn't prohibited?" Jeremiah asked curiously, wanting to change the subject. He could sense the slight tension in the air.

"No" Stephen replied. "The rules are going to change eventually though in another few years. We figured that by time there may not be any more stragglers from outside the wall that come to the city because it would be an indication that they didn't survive the war and the aftermath of it. Or that they didn't want to leave where they at because it's protected like Chicago or not heavily damaged. I like to be optimistic that we're not the only city left in the world."

"I don't blame you there." I agreed. Even though I saw nothing but devastation and ghost towns on the way Chicago, I liked to think other places survived the war too.

"If there aren't any stragglers and all new initiates come from a time where their parents weren't in an inter fraction marriage, that 's when we would change the law and have people only marry others from their own fraction." Stephen continued.

"There are some now that want to change that." Stephen's wife, Mary, put in. "It's mostly people from Erudite that believe that there shouldn't be any inter fractional marriages now. It doesn't put a fraction ahead of person if they love someone else from another fraction."

"Fortunately, Erudite doesn't make the rules." Stephen said smugly before he took a bite of food.

Later on that night, my husband and I laid wide awake in bed together. We were in each other's arms. My head rested on his chest.

"This could be the last night we are together." My husband remarked.

I lifted my head up off of his chest and looked at him. "Why is that?"

He looked at me sadly. "You might join a different fraction than me."

I cocked my head at him. "What makes you say that?"

"I feel like you want to break away from anything Amish at this point." He replied.

"You don't know that." I countered. "I might join Amity with you."

He looked at me sadly. "You won't." He ran a finger down my cheek. "You've been itching for some freedom for a while. I've seen it in your eyes. I've seen it by the way you used to watch some tourists. There was a longing in your eyes. If the war didn't happen, you would've probably broken away from the Amish eventually. You're just too free spirited. I was surprised you joined the Amish when you got back from Rhumschpringa. I thought you would've left for the English world for good."

"Then I wouldn't have you." I said as I squeezed him gently.

"I know."

"You think I should join Amity because you are going to?" I asked him curiously.

"No" He replied solemnly as he hugged me tight. "I don't want you to join a fraction because of me. I want you to join a fraction that you will be happy with for life. After all, I won't be here after three months. So, the choice really comes down to what you think is the best fraction for you. And keep that in mind tomorrow at the Choosing Ceremony."

Being reminded of how long he has left brought tears to my eyes. "I rather not join a fraction at all. I rather just stay with you until you draw you last breath."

"You will." He assured me, kissing my temple lightly. His lips feathered down my cheek. He brushed them to the side of my mouth before his lips pressed against mine in a searing kiss. He kissed me again and again. Each time he kissed me, the kisses got deeper and deeper.

"Since this is our last night...:" He whispered. He got on top of me while his lips fused with mine. He reached up my nightgown and ran his hand over my mound. He plunged a finger into me as he drugged me with his kisses. I was wet within seconds. He was already hard as a rock.

He quickly undid his front and his manhood sprang out. He positioned himself at the entrance of my moist feminine core. He was in me in one thrust. I gasped against his chest as we became one. We made love most of the night until he couldn't get himself hard on his own accord (I wasn't allowed to help) and I was too sore between my legs. We made love like it was the last time we would.

"Don't forget" He told me as I began to fall asleep in his arms for the last night together. "I will always love you. No matter what happens". Then, we fell asleep.


	8. Chapter 8

_From the Journal of Sarah Miller_

I was reluctant to wake up in the morning. This could be my last morning with my husband if we didn't join the same fraction. Our conversation from last night stuck in my mind:

" _I feel like you want to break away from anything Amish at this point." He replied._

" _You don't know that." I countered. "I might join Amity with you."_

 _He looked at me sadly. "You won't." He ran a finger down my cheek. "You've been itching for some freedom for a while. I've seen it in your eyes. I've seen it by the way you used to watch some tourists. There was a longing in your eyes. If the war didn't happen, you would've probably broken away from the Amish eventually. You're just too free spirited. I was surprised you joined the Amish when you got back from Rhumschpringa. I thought you would've left for the English world for good."_

" _Then I wouldn't have you." I said as I squeezed him gently._

" _I know."_

" _You think I should join Amity because you are going to?" I asked him curiously._

" _No" He replied solemnly as he hugged me tight. "I don't want you to join a fraction because of me. I want you to join a fraction that you will be happy with for life. After all, I won't be here after three months. So, the choice really comes down to what you think is the best fraction for you. And keep that in mind tomorrow at the Choosing Ceremony."_

I didn't want to admit to his suspicions that I had been wanting to break completely away from being Amish. Let alone, that it had been a desire of mine for a long time. I'm not talking about since the end of the war or when my loved ones began dropping like flies. My desire to leave began after I had my third child.

I had assumed that Jeremiah and I made laid back babies since my first two born were very easy going. I was lucky that John, my oldest child, wasn't a handful. I thought I was blessed when my second-born, a daughter named Anna, was the same way. They had fourteen months between them.

My third born comes along, another son named Issac, and my luck with easy going kids goes away. Issac was eighteen months younger than Anna. He was three months old when he began to cry and scream whenever I had to leave him to do my chores. Or tend to my other two children. He wanted me to hold him all the time. The doctor suspected that he suffered from separation anxiety. It didn't help that he had night terrors. So, Jeremiah and I didn't sleep much during the first year of his life.

The combination of the sleepless nights and Issac never wanting to leave my side had started to become a drain on my marriage with Jeremiah. We were snapping at each other and the two oldest kids a lot. I felt horrible when I did snap at my kids because I took my anger out on them when I shouldn't. Hence, I started baking a lot of bread so I could punch the dough till my heart was content.

It got to the point though where I began to wonder if I made the right choice in joining the Amish church. I had watched the tourists and wondered what it would've been like to be able to use contraception freely, not have to answer to a man (although I knew this wasn't just restricted to the Amish...it existed in other cultures), to be able to have technology that made things easy like cooking, and do more than just be at home taking the kids.

I realized though that if I really did leave the Amish, I would have to leave my husband and children behind. I couldn't do that to Jeremiah and my children. I promised Jeremiah to death till us both, and I wouldn't go back on that vow. I would work things out with him. Not just for our sake, but for our children's sake. While I recognized that I was like this because I was going through a rough patch because of Issac's separation anxiety as well as his night terrors, the curiosity of leaving the Amish to go out into the English World never really left me.

The irony of it is that it took the death of all six of my kids, my parents, my siblings, my relatives, and half of the community of Arcola as the result of the war's aftermath to get me to leave the Amish. I was happy that Jeremiah had joined me in leaving the Amish so I didn't have to leave him behind.

Now, we had a choice to make today of which fraction we would join. I already ruled against joining Abnegation because it was so much like the Amish minus the religion. Amity was the closest thing after Abnegation that was close to being Amish in the sense that they farmed the land and were pacifists. Yet, Dauntless seem to have a freedom to it that Amity didn't have ironically enough. They seemed to be more free spirited. They were at least allowed to be angry vs. Amity members.

Jeremiah finally woke up and decided that a quickie was in order. We got dressed. "Don't forget that when you make the choice to join a fraction, make sure it's a choice you can live with. Don't join Amity because I'm there. I won't be there for long."

I rolled my eyes behind his back. It was getting tedious for me that he kept reminding me of that painful detail that he wasn't going to be alive three months from now. At the same time, he was reminding me that the choice is really mine and it would be one I have to live with...unless I wanted to become fractionless. No thanks

We had a quick breakfast with Stephen's family before we headed to the building where they were having the Choosing Ceremony. It was a big auditorium filled with people wearing clothes representing the five fractions. Naturally, Jeremiah and I stuck out like sore thumbs since we were still wearing our Amish clothes. People were gawking at us just like the teens had been when we took the test yesterday.

"I'm going to head to the stage." Stephen told us. "You can sit with my family in Abnegation."

"Thank you, sir." I said politely.

Stephen took a moment to hug his daughter. "I love you no matter what." He said to her sincerely.

"Me too, daddy" She said tearfully. They hugged each other one last time before we made our way to our seats in the Abnegation section. Mary had her arm wrapped around her daughter in comfort as Lily quietly wept.

Abnegation members sat next to Amity. Erudite members sat between Amity and Candor. Dauntless sat next to Candor.

I clasped my husband's hand as we waited for the ceremony to begin. I got the feeling that someone was watching us. I turned my head and someone from Erudite woman was taking pictures of us. Normally, I would've put my head down or stared towards the stage if I was still Amish. I decided to look right at the camera.

"I hope you don't mind." The Erudite woman said. "This is for the archives."

"I wouldn't mind having a copy of those pictures." I told her.

"You sure?"

I nodded.

"Alright, we'll send you copies when they are developed."

"Thank you" I said as she walked away.

A man from Erudite came to the center of the stage. "Can you all please take your seats and we will begin the ceremony?"

People that were still standing began to take their seats. Then, the auditorium became silent.

"Twenty years ago, the founders established the fraction system." The Erudite man began. "It is believed that conflict would be avoided if people knew where their place was in society. To have the fractions is to have peace. To continue this peace, fractions should be before blood."

"Fraction before blood" Stephen said out loud.

"Fraction before blood" The rest of the room echoed.

I didn't repeat it. Call me selfish, but I learned what happened when you put a community before yourself or your family completely. I would be damned if I would repeat that same mistake. There was no problems doing that as long as you gave an equal amount of attention to yourself and family. Not completely with both sides

"When you leave this room, you all will be full fledged members of society." Stephen told the room, particularly to those choosing a fraction.

It was funny. Jeremiah and I had already been full members of society. It's just we haven't been members of this society.

Stephen called the names of each initiate. It was a long list. Eventually, he got to his daughter. "Lily Summers"

Lily was sitting next to me. She took a deep breath. Her mom had been holding her hand and gave it a gentle squeeze. She stood up and got on the stage. She took the knife on the table and cut her hand. She held her hand over Abnegation. Then, as if she had a change of heart, she put her hand over the bowl for Dauntless. A drop of her blood went into the bowl and it sizzled with it hit the hot coals.

Stephen was silent. Then, remembering he was the leader of this society, he called out "Dauntless"

Members from Dauntless let out a cheer while Abnegation members were shocked. Erudite, Amity, and Candor members were equally shocked. Mary started crying next to me.

"Quiet down please" Stephen told the room. When the room became silent, he said "Jeremiah Miller"

My husband lightly squeezed my hand and gave me a quick kiss on the lips. He stood up and made his way onto the stage. He cut his hand with the knife and held his hand over the bowl for Amity.

"Amity" Stephen announced. Amity members cheered for my husband. A man patted him on the shoulders before he sat down. "Last person...Sarah Miller"

I stood up and made my way towards stage. I closed my eyes as I cut my hand. I held it over Amity. Before the blood could drip into the Amity bowl, I closed my eyes once more and held my hand over the bowl for Dauntless. I heard a sizzle as a drop of my blood hit the hot coals.

"Dauntless" Stephen announced.


	9. Chapter 9

_From the Journal of Sarah Miller_

There was gasp of surprise after Stephen announced that I picked Dauntless. Then, there was silence. I turned around and was met by a vast expanse of shocked faces from all the fractions. I guess no one counted on me joining the warrior fraction given that I was Amish. Or had been Amish

The Dauntless members were the first to recover. They started clapping and cheering for me as I made my way to where they sat. A man, who appeared to be in his early twenties, grasped me by the shoulders and gently shook me.

"Welcome to Dauntless" He said to me, appearing to be happy. However, I couldn't shake the feeling that he was wondering what the hell I was doing for someone to join a fraction like Dauntless. Especially considering that it had been literally non-existent that Amish joined the military

Then again, I wasn't Amish any more. If the Amish community had been more active than it was now, I would've been shunned. Probably would be still despite the quick dwindling numbers. However, as I remarked before, I wouldn't care. Those that I care about are now in the ground. One more is about to join them. There is nothing left for me back at Arcola if I decided Chicago, let alone this fraction, wasn't for me.

Eventually, members from other fractions began clapping about my choice. I looked for my husband in Amity. He was clapping for me. I noticed something on his cheek. I had to really squint to see what it was. It was a tear. Then, I felt a tear slip out and slide down my cheek. I quickly wiped it away before the Dauntless members could see it.

I was the last one to choose. So, we were now free to go as members of society...even though Jeremiah and I had been when we were Amish. Considering we sold stuff to the English society

There was no organized way for people to leave the building. However, as one, the members of Dauntless left as one. My eyes looked back to Amity and they fell upon my husband as Amity members were leaving out of the door on the other side of the building. We watched each other as we left the building. That would be the last time we saw each other until it was okay for the two of us to meet.

The Dauntless members and the initiates began to run. I followed them. I wasn't that far off though, which seemed to surprise a lot of them. Unknown to them, I spent the majority of my Rhumschpringa traveling the world and doing many interesting things. One of them was playing a lot of sports and doing physical courses. I had at one point thought about not joining the Amish church because the temptation of becoming an athlete was high. The Olympics had been on while I was in my "Running Free" period. It seemed like a great accomplishment to get a medal as an athlete. Of course, the Olympics were done away with by the end of the war. If they would ever return really remained to be seen...especially given how no one really knew who else survived the war that seemed to effect the whole world.

We eventually ran to a pair of steel beams that held up the train tracks. They started to climb it. I was one of the last few to make my way up on the narrow platform. The Dauntless members talked among themselves while most of the Candor and Erudite members talked among each other.

Lily and I stuck out like sore thumbs. It had seemed during the Choosing Ceremony that Abnegation members rarely joined Dauntless. Lily was panting more than I was. I may have not done much athletic sports since I joined the Amish church twelve years ago. However, I was pretty fit when it came to running considering I had to run after little ones. And I had six of those

It didn't take long for the train to arrive. Lily and I noticed that the Dauntless members began running. "I don't think it's going to stop." I said before I began to run. Lily then started to run.

The first of the Dauntless members were able to get on the small step on the side of the train. They hit a panel on the train's side and the door slid open. They got it, which allowed others to easily get in. People began to get on the train.

My lungs began to burn though. However, I had to power through it if I wanted to make it to Dauntless. Something told I would be shit out of luck if I didn't make it on this train. I grabbed a hold of the train and dug my foot into that small step on the train's side. Then, I swung myself in. I collapsed on the floor, breathless. I took my inhaler out of my pocket and clicked a few times before inhaling the medicine. Darn asthma!

Lily eventually got on and collapsed before me. A girl from Candor came on after her. She collapsed besides us. She then crawled to the opening and peered out towards where the train had just been. Her mouth dropped in surprise.

"My sister missed the train!" She exclaimed.

"Then, she is shit out of luck." A tall, black woman said indifferently. She wore purple with black rather than maroon. I guessed the purple indicated leadership or something.

"What happens to her now?" The Candor girl asked nervously.

"She won't be in Dauntless. That is for damn sure"

"So, she is fractionless now?" The Candor girl asked, close to tears.

"She has that option. Or she goes back to Candor"

The Candor girl sighed with relief. "I guess I should be happy that she didn't at least fall off the platform, huh?"

"Whatever you feel better about" The woman said coldly as she walked away.

"What a bitch" The Candor girl muttered.

The woman turned back around and stalked to the Candor girl. "Excuse me? I know you didn't just call me a bitch, sweetie. If I were you Candor, I watch that sweet little mouth of yours. Otherwise, someone will punch it." Her eyes swiped through the whole car. "That goes for all of you Candor initiates. Keep your mouths shut if you want to survive being in this fraction. That is, unless you want to be missing some teeth or lose the ability to talk since someone would damage your throat." She turned around and walked towards the other end of the car.

While she did that, there was a look of horror on Lily's face. She actually mouthed "Wow"

The face of the girl from Candor was beet red. "Not a good first impression" She remarked softly to me and Lily.

"It wasn't nice." Lily agreed.

"What she said wasn't nice either, Stiff." The Candor girl retorted.

I sense there was going to be another argument. "What is your name?" I asked the Candor girl curiously before things could go far between her and Lily.

"Cadence" The Candor girl replied. "What's yours?"

"Sarah"

She smiled at me. "I can't believe you joined Dauntless." She looked at Lily. "I can't believe you joined Dauntless too. You two are in for a world of pain."

"I'm used to it." I said with a smile, even though it didn't reach my eyes. "I've given birth to six children. I think I can manage."

"Six children?" Cadence exclaimed. "Oh, my God! Whoops! Sorry! Don't the Amish have issues with blasphemy?"

"I'm not Amish anymore." I said curtly.

"Of course" She said quickly. She swiped a hand over her head. "I'm sorry about my behavior. I'm just still shocked that my sister didn't make it on the train."

"It's okay." Lily assured her. "We understand."

Cadence looked at Lily. "What's your name, Stiff? I know you're the leader's daughter. I just don't know your name."

"Lily"

"Fitting" Cadence remarked before she leaned back against the wall with her eyes closed and her hands tucked beneath her head.

Lily looked at me angrily. She mouthed "What does that mean?" I shrugged my shoulders.

Before she could ask Cadence what her remark had meant, the woman that had given a tongue lashing to Cadence spoke up. "Get ready"

"For what?" A guy from Erudite asked curiously.

"To jump"

All the initiates shared a confuse look. I went to the opening and peered out. We passed a glass pointed roof next to a pair of train tracks on the ground. Then, there was a brick building. I started to see people beginning to jump onto the building's roof.

"We have to jump on the roof." I told the initiates. Some of them looked shocked. Others looked flat out terrified.

"What if you don't jump?" The same guy from Erudite asked.

"Then, you won't be in Dauntless." The same Dauntless woman replied.

As our car started to pass the building, people began to jump. I took a running start from the other side of the car. When it was clear, I started to run.

 _Please give me wings God_ , I prayed as I ran towards the opening. It was the first time I had prayed to God for something in a month. I have prayed to him before each meal. However, to ask something personal of him...it had been a while. I had stopped because I figured he didn't want to listen to me.

I jumped and I soar through the air like a bird. It was scary and exciting all at the same time. It incurred the same feeling I got when I did the physical courses during Rhumschpringa. I was relieved when I made it onto the roof. I landed roughly though. However, I was happy to still be alive after doing that. Lily came in hard next to me followed by Cadence. Unfortunately, there were a few that weren't lucky to land on the roof.


	10. Chapter 10

_From the Journal of Sarah Miller_

There had been a wail from behind us. One of the Dauntless born was standing at small wall dividing roof from bottomless air. The girl had long blonde hair, brown eyes, and a nose ring. The same boy from Erudite that asked a question on the train and a girl from Candor were also standing beside her looking down at the ground below.

"What's going on?" A male voice barked.

We all turned around. A tall man with dirty blonde hair strode towards us. He had an eyebrow ring and tattoos covered his arms. We parted to let him through. He came upon the three standing at the edge of the building. I came up from behind and peered over. I covered my mouth to stifle the gasp. Three people lay motionless on the concrete ground below. One each was from Dauntless, Candor, and Erudite. The three people standing here were either friends or relatives of the three dead below.

"My friend didn't make it." The Dauntless born girl replied. She pointed at a girl in black lying on the pavement.

"We'll have someone collect them." The man said as he went back to the other side of the building where other Dauntless members were standing. They were also wearing black and purple like the black woman did on the train. In fact, she was up there among them. The man got out a walkie talkie. "There are three dead initates beside the building." He said to whoever was at the other end. "Have someone come and get them. Notify their families"

"Yes, sir" A woman replied from the walkie talkie.

"My name is Maverick." The man introduced. "I'm former Navy Seal. I'm one of your leaders. In order to get into Dauntless is by jumping off this ledge into the hole down there. If you can't do it, then you're not going to be in Dauntless."

"What's at the bottom?" A girl from Erudite asked curiously.

"I guess you'll just have to find out." Maverick said. "Well, who's going first?"

No one moved. No one offered. No one raised their hands. I wanted to get it over with. The faster, the better. So, my hand went up. Everyone was shocked again.

"Really, Dauntless born?" Maverick mocked them. "An Amish woman is going to jump before any of you. Okay"

I walked over to where he and the other members were standing. There was a huge gaping hole in the roof of the building. I looked at him like he was crazy. He looked at me like I was going to chicken out. Or change my mind that this fraction wasn't for me. He was wrong. They all would.

I climbed on top of the ledge. I began to feel dizzy because of the height. I have a slight fear of heights. I stood up slowly and look down. There was a fifty percent chance that there could be something down there to save my ass once I jumped. There could be a fifty percent chance there wasn't anything down there like water or net. I did wonder though what was the point of us jumping off then if nothing was down there other than being sadistic bastards. If there was a chance this was a sick joke to kill us, I wouldn't have to wait for my husband to die a slow death. I would beat him to Heaven before him. And if there was something down there...well, I would have to continue life like he would want me. Like my children would want me

"While we're still young, initiate" Maverick nagged.

I shook my head because this idea was crazy. However, what I got to lose at this point? I closed my eyes and I jumped. I flew a few stories before I landed in a net. I bounced up a bit before settling again. I looked up and saw the Dauntless members looking down on me from the room. I chuckled. I was grateful to be alive still. I was also amused that I showed them what I was capable of despite my background as an Amish woman.

Someone reached up and pulled the net down. I was met with intense brown eyes that saw into my soul. I recognized them. I recognized the owner of those eyes. It was Matt from the test. He was shocked to see me. I mean...his mouth didn't drop, but his eyebrow was raised.

"Did they kidnap you?" He asked me curiously.

"Who?" I asked in the same tone.

"Dauntless born members"

"No"

He put his hands beneath my armpits and carried me down. It must've been easy for him to do that since I was small. "It's Sarah, right?"

"Yeah"

"Would you like to keep your name or change it?"

"Keep it"

"Very well" He looked at the Dauntless members in the room that were watching initiates jumped down into the net from the roof. "First Jumper Sarah" He looked at me and smiled a bit. A few people cheered. "Welcome to Dauntless"

"Thank you" I replied, smiling. I walked to a post and stood beside it. I heard a girl screaming. I looked up. It was Lily. There were more gasps from the Dauntless members.

"Am I in the Twilight Zone or something?" Matt asked the room curiously. "First, an Amish woman. Now, a Stiff"

"Don't know what to tell you, Matt" I heard a woman's voice. I looked over to where the voice came from. It was the woman that had been a guard at the wall on the day that Jeremiah and I arrived in Chicago. She was there for me when I had all those medical tests done after we were granted entrance.

I made my way over to where she sat while Matt had helped Lily down from the net. "Hi!" I said happily when I stood next to her.

"Hey! Welcome to Dauntless" She said to me as she hugged me back. "I'm surprised to see you here. I thought you would've joined Amity or Abnegation."

I sat down next to her. "No, Abnegation is too much like the Amish minus the religion. Amity is a little bit like them. I just want to break away from being Amish or anything like it."

"That's understandable." The woman agreed.

"What is your name?" I asked curiously. I felt a bit guilty because I didn't know this guard's name, even though I've known her off and on all week.

"Kate Prior" She replied.

Four stopped reading the journal. Kate Prior...Tris' great-grandmother. However, something stopped him. Wasn't Natalie from outside the wall originally? He would have to ask his mom tomorrow. He checked the time. Damn, it was almost three in the morning! He looked to see how much longer he would have to read. Just a paragraph left. He resumed reading the journal.

Lily had joined us at that point. She remained standing up. "Kate, this is Lily." I said to her. "I stayed with her family this past weekend."

"Nice to meet you, Lily" Kate said as she reached out and shook hands.. They shook hands.

"Pleasure is mine" Lily said before she sat down next to me.

We spent the next half hour talking while people continue to jump from the roof of the other building. Finally, everyone that was brave enough to jump had been assembled. There were thirty of us.

"Dauntless born, go with Dani" Matt said. "Transfers stay with me"

We waited while all the Dauntless born initiates got up and followed the Dauntless born member named Dani. Kate had taken the opportunity to get up and stand beside Matt. When the Dauntless born were gone, Matt began.

"We'll be your instructors for the next ten weeks." He explained.

"I'm a former SWAT member from the Los Angeles Police Department." Kate added. "My name is Kate Prior."

"I'm former CIA. My name is Matt Eaton."

And that's where Four did a double take


	11. Chapter 11

"Natalie Prior was from outside the wall, right?" Four asked his mother, Evelyn, the next evening. He had stopped by her place after work to have dinner.

"Correct"

"I read in the diary that one of Sarah's instructors was Kate Prior."

Evelyn knew who her son was talking about. She understand why he was confused too. "Kate isn't directly related to Natalie. She is to Andrew Prior though. She is his great-great-grandmother."

"And Matt Eaton...is he related to me?"

"He is indeed." Evelyn replied proudly. "He is your great-great grandfather. Sarah has a picture of him later on in the diary. He looks exactly like you. Where did you leave off?"

"The initiates entering Dauntless." He replied. "No different then than it was when Tris and I joined."

"For now"

He raised an eyebrow at his mom. "For now?"

"Yeah, there was stuff in Dauntless that is different from now"

"Like what?"

She smirked at him. "You'll see."

Later on at home, Four opened the diary to where he had left off.

 _From the Journal of Sarah Miller_

We were lead to this massive cavern called "The Pit" by Matt and Kate. "This is the center of the life at Dauntless." Matt informed us.

They lead us to where we would be staying for the next ten weeks. Something that they called the "barracks". Thirty cots with pillows and blankets were in there. I noticed a pile of folded clothes on each bed.

"Will boys or girls stay here?" Lily asked curiously.

"Both" Kate replied.

Lily turned beet red. Girls and boys don't sleep together in Abnegation. I wonder how she was going to fair with that. She wasn't the only one uncomfortable by the thought. A lot of the initiates were uncomfortable with the idea. I think I was probably the only one that didn't have an issue with it. I had been sleeping beside a man for the last ten years, although there were a few times during Rhumschpringa where I slept near Jeremiah.

"If you loved that, you'll love the bathrooms." Matt remarked.

We entered a room where there were toilets on one side and showers on the other side. There were no walls dividing them. So, everyone could see you doing your business or showering naked. I think I could manage well with the showering because a man has already seen my naked body. Going potty without privacy on the other hand...that I was going to have a hard time with. Then again, I have to say I was used to going to the bathroom in front of others. I shared a chamber pot among my brothers and sisters when we shared a room upstairs. I think I preferred the toilets here compared to the chamber pot I had to share with my siblings.

"This should be no problem for you Candor." Matt added dryly. "You all do like to leave everything out there." He shouldered me as he past me without bothering to apologize for running into me. He is lucky my husband wasn't here to see this. We may be pacifists, but husbands would speak up if their wives are disrespected by another. He turned slightly back to say, "Get dressed" Kate followed him.

We changed into the clothes that were provided with us. They were black with red trimmings. We also got a short sleeve black t-shirt and black under garments. We had the option of keeping our old clothes or burning them. I choose to keep my Amish dress. I may have wanted to move onto a new life, but I wasn't ready to completely get rid of my last one. I was hugged while in this dress by my husband and children. I wasn't ready to let that go. I was also allowed to keep the contented in the small bag I took with me from Arcola that contained this here diary, a prayer book, and a recipe book.

I had no issues changing in front of everyone. I developed a way of changing clothes while keeping my dress on. I would slip on my undergarments and pants with the dress on. Then, take off the dress to put on a top. I did this a lot during Rhumschpringa. It felt weird to take the cap off though. I wasn't used to wearing my hair out where people could see it. My hair was always in a bun and covered by the cap. It is weird how I feel more naked without the cap than I do when I'm actually naked. Also, my hair went to my waist since we didn't cut our hair. My hair might actually present a problem. For now, I would have to braid it. I had Lily start it off, and then I finished off the braid. It felt like a long rope was attached to my head.

When we were done dressing, we headed to the cafeteria to have lunch. Some of the initiates threw their old clothes into the fire. Cadence was one of them. There were others that didn't like Lily and I. The cafeteria was full of people eating lunch. A lot of tables were able taken up. There were about thirty seats left open for us initiates. They filled up quickly. There was one table left that had enough seats left for Cadence, Lily, and I as well as three other initiates. It was also the table that Kate and Matt sat at eating.

"Let's go" Cadence said as she lead the way. I guess she was going to be the leader between the three of us.

"Can I sit next to him?" Lily asked curiously as we made our way to the table.

"Feel free" Cadence replied.

"I don't mind." I added.

However, when we got there, Lily changed her mind at the last minute and quickly took the seat next to Cadence. I ended up sitting next to Matt. We started to put food on our plates. I sent an inwardly prayer up to God thanking him for the food, even though I was still pissed at him for taking away basically anyone I loved. Then, I began to eat the hamburger and potato I put on my plate.

"You never seen a hamburger before?" Cadence asked Lily in disbelief.

"I've seen them." She replied. "I just never eaten one."

"Abnegation has a very plain diet." A girl across from her replied. "They have no sauces, minimum seasonings, and just vegetables."

"How do you know?" Cadence asked skeptically.

The girl smiled at her. "I used to be in Erudite. My name is Michelle."

"Nice to meet you, Michelle" Lily said politely to her, nodding her head slightly.

"Of course, you are" Cadence remarked dryly.

"Let me guess...you are Candor?" Michelle asked her curiously.

"You would be correct."

"As I am always"

"That's a little smug." Lily reprimanded.

"True, but that's a correct statement."

"Got to love people that have their heads up their asses" Cadence said sarcastically.

"Like you and everyone else from the other fractions?" Michelle countered heatedly.

"You know what's funny, Kate?" Matt said out loud, though only enough for us at the table to hear rather than the whole cafeteria.

"What?" Kate replied.

"I could've swore that these people joined Dauntless." Matt explained. "And yet, they are talking like they are still in their old fraction."

"Hmmm...you are correct, Matt."

Matt looked at us. It wasn't a pleasant look. His brown (though they seemed to be black?) eyes bore at us all. "We don't want to hear about your other fractions." He said sternly. "You're Dauntless now."

"Duh" Cadence said under her breath. It wasn't that quiet as she thought it was. Both Kate and Matt cut her a look.

"Then act like it" Kate growled at her.

Cadence bent her head and resumed eating in silence. Lily was the next one that spoke up. "Are you both transfers or are you Dauntless born?"

Michelle snorted in derision. "So stupid"

Lily protested, "What?"

"The wall has only been up for twenty years." A boy with dark skin supplied. "They said they were former CIA and LAPD. What makes you think they were born into a fraction?"

Lily shrugged. "I don't know." She replied softly.

"That is painfully obvious." The boy said in a snarky attitude.

"Well, what fraction are you?" Lily asked him.

"Candor" He replied. "My name is Avery."

"Am I speaking in another language other than English, Kate?" Matt remarked again. This time, he sounded a little impatient.

"No, you're not Matt." Kate replied.

"So, how come these twits are not listening to what I already told them?" He then glared at us. "Stop talking about your old fractions. Seriously"

"Sorry" Avery said to them.

Everybody resumed eating again. I was almost done. I developed a habit of eating quickly because I was in a house hold with five other children. Then, I had six my own with a husband to feed. So, it was always wise to get eating in before conversation took place.

"We're going to have to do something with your hair, Sarah." Kate remarked.

"I know. I was wondering if you could cut it?"

"Sure"

"How did it get so long?" A boy with brownish blondish hair asked me curiously.

"We're not suppose to cut our hair in the Amish."

"You're the Amish chick?" The boy said happily. "That's awesome!"

I raised an eyebrow at him. "Um, why?"

"I always wanted to meet the Amish." The boy explained. "We learned about you at Erudite. You guys are so fascinating."

I'm used to the Amish being seen as tourist attractions. However, I couldn't help but feel that I was just compared to an animal at the zoo.

"I am so excited I finally get to meet someone Amish." The boy continued. "My name is Mike."

"Nice to meet you" I said politely. It was very politely, I might add. I felt the opposite about him.

Mike was about to talk more when we heard a thunderous sound of cups being banged on the table. Everyone looked up to see a man of late sixties to early seventies approach on the second landing. He looked down at us all. He was going bald and had auburn hair that cupped the back of his head. He wore the suit of one that was a general.

"All rise!" A voice from above commanded. Everyone, including the initiatives, stood.

"If you're an initiate, continue to stand." The man projected. Matt and Kate both sat down while the rest of us at the table remain standing. Other initiates continued to stand too. "My name is General Hanner. I'm the leader of this fraction. We train you initiates the same way that those of former military were trained. Only difference is that you all will get a crash course in a space of ten weeks while we had months of training in the military. There is no one left out there as far we know that can come here and help us if Chicago gets attacked. Those in Dauntless are tasked with the defense of this city and all of it's inhabitants. Respect that"

Everyone cheered as the general walked away. I gasped as Matt picked me up . "What's going on?" I asked him nervously.

"Nothing to worry about, Amish" He said with a wink before he lifted me up and I began to float among a sea of Dauntless members passing me around like I was a crowd suffer at a concert.


	12. Chapter 12

_From the Journal of Sarah Miller_

I woke up in darkness. I felt disoriented. Where the hell was I? I gingerly sat up and observed my surroundings. There were twenty-nine people sleeping in twenty-nine cots around me. My cot was between Cadence and Lily's. I wondered what time it was. Only one way to know.

I quickly dressed in my new dark clothes provided by the Dauntless fraction. I didn't bother to do anything with my waist length hair. I would after I got back to the "barracks". I went to the area near the pit. The ceiling had been made out of glass. There was light, but it seemed to be a half hour after sun rise. We were taught how to tell time just by the way the sun was in the sky since we weren't allowed to wear watches. This was particular vital while working the fields.

I headed back to the barracks. I ran into Matt and Kate. They were surprised to see me.

"You're up early." Matt remarked.

"I'm used to getting up this early." I told him. "The Amish rise with the sun, and go to bed when it sets." I told him.

"Okay then" He said indifferently. "We're about to wake up the others. Why don't you head to the pit? Do something with your hair. You can't have it like that."

"I know." I said dryly. "I was going to any way."

"You still want me to cut it?" Kate asked curiously.

"Yeah"

"Make it fast" Matt said curtly. "Maverick wants the initiates there in three minutes."

"Three minutes?" Kate said incredulously. "It would be better to wait until after lunch."

"Fine, do it then"

"What about her hair?"

"Give her a scrunchie"

"She'll need more than just one"

"Give her two then" He said impatiently before he left us behind.

Kate and I began to head towards the pit. She handed me two scrunchies. "You want any help with your hair?"

"No, thank you" I said politely. "I've gotten used to braiding my hair quick. You need to when you have to fix your sisters' hair, and then your own daughters'." My hands were like magic as they wove my long hair into a thick, long braid. I rolled the braid and turned it into a bun.

"Did you make a lot of baskets when you were Amish?" She asked me curiously.

I smiled at her. "I did."

"I came across a lot of Amish communities when I moved out here." She told me. "California didn't have any Amish living there."

"Most of our population had been centered in Pennsylvania, Ohio, and Indiana." I informed her. "They settled in twenty-four states, Canada, and part of Central America."

"I didn't know they went to Central America."

I shrugged. "Those settlements are of New Order Amish. Most Amish communities, especially in the U.S, had been Old World."

"Ah, I see"

We eventually made it to the Pit. Maverick was waiting for us there. "Where is Matt?" Maverick demanded to Kate.

"Waking up the initiates" Kate replied. She sat down next to him. His arm snaked around her waist and brought her to him. He gave her a quick kiss on the lips.

He nodded towards me. "Why is this one up?"

"I'm used to waking up this early." I supplied.

He nodded. "I guess that is one thing you won't struggle on." He remarked. "Because, believe me sweet heart, I can see you struggling here."

"Such a pessimist" Kate teased him before giving him another kiss.

"It's not pessimism." Maverick countered. "I'm being realistic." He kept his eyes on me as he said the following, "She is going to have years of pacifism conflict with what she has to do in Dauntless. She is going to have to be trained in hand to hand combat, how to use weapons, and possibly kill someone if the time calls for it."

"I think you will be surprised of what I'm capable of." I said in a dry tone.

"I hope I am...for your sake."

Matt joined us then. He took me by the elbow and put me directly in front of Maverick. "Stand here and don't move"

I raised an eyebrow as he walked and stood beside Kate. "Why?"

"Because I said so"

That shut me up, especially the way his dark eyes bore into me. The other initiates soon arrived.

"I want you all to get in three lines of ten." Matt ordered. "I want the shortest in the front and tallest in the back. Make these lines straight and clean. Sarah is line one. Now, go into formation"

I watched how everyone scrambled to get into three lines of ten. Two people stood behind me, a girl and boy each. One was Dauntless and the other was Lily. Cadence stood next to me on my left.

"I'm impressed." Matt said as he walked up and down in front of us. "You all made a perfect formation. We want you all to make this formation each day you come here for the next five weeks. You will stand up straight, eyes forward, feet together, be quiet, and be in the place you are in right now. Failure to do so will result in punishment, which would be decided upon the three of us. So, if I were you all, I would memorize who you are standing next to. If the formation isn't perfect, all of you will suffer. We work as a team. We fight as a team. Is that understood?"

There were mutterings and mumbling of "yeses". Some people just nodded their heads.

Matt sighed in exasperation. "I can't hear you"

"Yes!" We replied back loudly to him.

"Wrong!" He snapped. "You say "Sir, yes sir!" Understood?"

"Sir, yes sir!"

"Better"

"What if Kate is talking to us?" Lily asked randomly. "Shouldn't we say "Ma'am, yes ma'am"?" Matt walked to her. I could feel him brush up against me.

"Who said you could talk?" Matt asked harshly.

"Um...I was just curious." She said softly.

"Curiosity killed the cat" He remarked. "If you want to speak, raise your hand" A few seconds later, I hear him reprimand her with "Not now" He returned to the front. "There are two stages of training. First stage is physical. We push your bodies till your breaking point. Second stage is mental. Again, we push your minds until the breaking point."

"Transfers and Dauntless born will be graded together." Kate went on. "You both will be trained separately though. By the end of each stage, whoever is above the red line will go on to the next stage of training."

"Rankings by the end of the second stage will determine where you go." Matt continued. "Leadership, guarding the fence, or making sure everyone behaves themselves between the fractions." Cadence raised her hand beside me. He nodded at her, "Yes?"

"What will happen if you don't move on?" She asked curiously.

"It depends." Maverick replied. "Dauntless born will obviously remain in Dauntless. Transfers are given the opportunity to return to their old fraction. They can stay here, but they won't be first line defense. They would be...how should I say?...almost like how our National Guard used to be. You wouldn't send the National Guard to war or if there was a crime. They were use for emergencies or as back ups if there were riots. They will be second line defense basically. They can also be medics, test administers, body modification artists, beauticians, cooks, or cleaners."

I inwardly cringed. I didn't want to rank anywhere below the line in both stages. I didn't want to end up in a position like being a cook or a cleaner. I did enough of that when I was in the Amish.


	13. Chapter 13

**Author's Note: Trigger warning for assault!**

 _From the Journal of Sarah Miller_

The next week passed very quickly. We were trained on how to fight hand to hand combat, shoot a gun, handle knives, run (so much running), did obstacle courses, and work out. We were exhausted by the time we went to bed. I was fine with obstacle courses, running and working out despite the asthma. Everything else? Not so much

My aim was so horrible. It was pathetic. Hence, my issue shooting a gun and throwing knives. Being raised pacifist in the Amish is not helping me with hand to hand combat. The sad thing is that we haven't had a fight yet, even though Maverick and Matt warn us the time is coming. I'm cringing when we're just blocking. Finally, the day arrived that I dreaded.

We were on the mats practicing blocks. I wasn't cringing so much today as I had been earlier this week. I notice out of the corner of my eye Maverick joining Matt and Kate, who both were watching us like hawks.

"Are we ready to fight?" I heard Maverick asked Matt and Kate curiously.

"Not even close" Kate replied. I saw Matt nod in agreement. That didn't stop Maverick though.

"First and last jumper!" Maverick called out. "In the ring"

"Who is first jumper?" Lily asked curiously.

"Well, just think when exactly you jumped off the roof."Maverick said dryly.

Shit, I was the first one to jump off the roof. That would make me first jumper. I made my way to the center ring. The last jumper was named Patty. She was formerly Erudite. The girl was six feet tall while I only stood at four foot eleven. We looked at each other, sizing each other up. Well, she most likely is doing that. I know there was a chance I might get my butt kicked. I still sent up a silent prayer just in case God was still listening to me. We look at our three trainers.

"How long do we fight?" Patty asked curiously.

"Until one of you concedes" Matt replied.

"Or one of you can't go on" Maverick added. "I prefer that to conceding."

Patty and I looked at each other again before looking back at Maverick. "But we can still concede, right?" Patty double check.

"Of course" Maverick said with a smile that didn't reach his eyes. Something told us he wasn't happy with that option, even though it was permissible. He looked at us. "What are you two waiting for? Fight!"

We both took the starting position where our arms were up in front of us. Patty started lunging at me. I began to back up until I was off the mat. Damn it! She step back, so I can get back on the mat.

"You got this girl" Cadence encouraged me.

"Don't be scared, Amish" I heard Mike call out.

I took up the position as soon as I return to the mat. Patty started lunging at me again. However, I side step to the left and dodged her. I heard a lot of people saying "Good job" to me. She lunged again and this time I dodged her to the right.

"Come on, Sarah! Fight back" Kate called out.

I faked going to the left only to go to the right, avoiding her hitting me again. Patty was getting frustrated because I kept dodging her. Unknown to my fellow initiates and my Dauntless trainers, I was called the Artful Dodger by my class. Artful Dodger had been a pick pocket from Oliver Twist. He was good at dodging trouble. I was good at dodging dodge balls and apparently someone trying to attack me. I did a pirouette as Patty lunged at herself at me again since I danced a bit while on Rhumschpringa. As she passed me, I elbow her in the back. She went down. Then, I just sat on her and hoped she gave up. That wasn't a good idea.

"Come on, Sarah!" Cadence shouted. "Take her out!"

A lot of the initiates told me to punch or knock out Patty. I couldn't bring myself to do it. Years of growing up in a pacifist community took it's hold on me. That gave Patty the opportunity to take the fight back. She punched me hard in the nose. It felt like how my kids used to bop me in the face when they were toddlers...except times a thousand. Blood spurted from my nose. I could taste it in my mouth. She shoved me off of her. She lifted her leg and slammed it down on me, catching me in the stomach. I couldn't breath. I couldn't tell if it was from being hit in the stomach or my asthma was acting up. Or both perhaps

I was on my hands and knees. Blood was dripping onto the matt. I felt a swift kick right into my chest. Blood came out of my mouth. Pain exploded in my chest and I felt a tightness starting to squeeze the air from her. Was it Patty squeezing the air out of me? Or was it my asthma? Both?

Suddenly, I had a vision that I wasn't on the mat any more. I was somewhere else. I was back in Arcola. I was eighteen-years-old. It was a week before I would officially become a member of the Amish church. I didn't just decide to join the church. I agreed to be Jeremiah's wife a few days prior. A boy name Zachary had cornered me at my parents' barn. I knew who he was. He was in the same class as Jeremiah and I. We had been friends with him. We had traveled together during Rhumschpringa.

"I heard you accepted Jeremiah's proposal." He had stated tightly.

"Yes" I said as I finished milking the cow.

"You stupid bitch" He snarled. He brows drew down, his nose crinkled, and his mouth turned into a scowl. "How could you?"

"Because I like him?" I countered dryly. "That is good enough reason to accept his proposal."

"You're mine though, Sarah."

I turned around and looked at him like he lost his mind. "Since when?"

"Always" He said as he started to stalk me. "From the moment I lay my eyes on you"

"That's not how it works" I pointed out. I picked up the bucket of milk and began to leave the stall that I milked Bessy in. "I'm sorry, Zach."

I had just walked past him when his arm went around my neck and slammed me back into the wall of the stall. I felt the air knocked out of me. He put his hands on both side of my head and trapped me in with his body. "Just give me a chance" He said as he leaned towards me. "I bet I can change your mind about Jeremiah." He roughly cupped my chin and started to kiss me.

If he thought he was going to win me over with this kiss, he was simply deluded. This wasn't a soft kiss. This wasn't even a passionate kiss. This was a punishing kiss as he sucked my lips hard enough till where they became swollen and it felt at times he was trying to choke me with his tongue. He even bit my lower lip.

I shoved him away from me. Then, I smacked him in the face hard. I regret doing that, especially after he pushed me back into the wall of the stall and return the favor by smacking me hard too. I saw spots he hit me that hard. He tried to kiss me again until I kneed him in the groin. I tried to run away, but he was able to grab me and wrestle me to the floor.

"No!" I screamed. "Please don't!"

He got on me and straddle my hips. He smacked me in the face...I lost count. It was that many. A few of those times, he punched me. I felt something wet come out of my nose and run down my chin as well as my cheeks. "You're going to pay for that you stupid bitch." He vowed darkly as he started kicking at me. I crumbled into a fetal position, hoping that the blows would lesson. My eyes were closed when I heard a thud.

I opened my eyes and looked up. Jeremiah stood there. He had smacked Zach in the back of the head with a small wooden board. He punched him when Zach got off of me. Zach ended up getting excommunicated from the community because of his behavior. I haven't seen him since then. However, I always fear that we would return and finish what he started.

My mind came back when I heard Kate exclaimed "Enough! Can't you see she can't breath!" She pushed Patty away from me. She flashed Maverick a dark look before she knelt beside him. Matt joined her. They helped me up. Then, I ran to find myself a hiding place that could swallow me up.


	14. Chapter 14

_From the Journal of Sarah Miller_

I sat on a bench in a adjacent room moments later. I had ran outside after the fight and had my head against the wall with one hand braced against it while the other pinched my nose to stem the blood flow. I would spit out a glob of blood every so often. I don't know if the blood was coming from my chest or it was dripping down the nasal passage into my throat. Either way, it was annoying. The scent of blood clung to my nostrils just as much as it did to the inside of my nose. The taste of copper was in my mouth and the back of my throat.

Both Kate and Matt found me crying my eyes out. It hurt though. I kept coughing and spitting out blood. The cool air outside is what made things easier for me to breath. If I was still inside in that muggy building, I would have a lot harder time breathing. That was for damn sure.

My face managed to feel stung and numb at the same time. For one minute, it felt like someone was smacking me repeatedly in my face. The next, I didn't feel anything.

It was a good thing that Kate and Matt found me when they did. I passed out after they were escorting me back into the building. Kate would later tell me that Matt had carried me inside and they lay me down on a mat that wasn't being used. Matt had some background in medicine since he was a paramedic before becoming a part of the CIA. It would explain why he was at the testing.

They woke me up using ammonia. I had sat up abruptly. I didn't remember passing out before that or getting any reason that I was about to. They both had lay a comforting hand on my shoulder before laying me back on the mat.

"Just relax" Matt had assured me before he took a flashlight and flashed it into my eyes. I squinted and turn my face away. "Relax" He had said softly as he gently cupped my chin and had me face him. "I need to look at your eyes."

He had wanted to see if they were dilated. They had looked fine. They helped me to where I was currently sitting. They gave me paper to stem the blood flow. Kate got an ice pack since my eye looked bruised. Matt had me be on a breathing apparatus to help me with my asthma. Also, if I was still having trouble breathing, he wanted me to go to the medical ward.

I was off the breathing apparatus now. My nose stopped bleeding. It was stuffy though. I still had the ice pack on my eye. Eventually, Kate and Matt went back to the ring where the initates were fighting. I sat there in that room by myself with self doubt. I wondered if I made a mistake. I closed my eyes and fresh tears came out. Of course, I did.

A while later, Matt returned to my side. He knelt down in front of me, and checked my nose to see if it was broken. It wasn't.

"How are you doing?" He asked me curiously.

"I could be better." I replied softly.

He took the ice pack from me and inspected my eye. "It is going to be black and blue."

"Great" I said sarcastically. I took a deep breath. "Can I ask you something?"

"You wonder if you made the right decision in joining Dauntless." He guessed.

My mouth dropped. "How did you know that?" Was this man psychic or something?

He looked up at him. His brown (or black?) eyes stared into mine and I felt like I was falling into them. They were intense, and soon I wanted to look away in fear I would fall too far. "It's written all over your face."

"Oh, so it's apparent then?"

"It's very apparent." He pointed out. "So, do you think you made the right decision?"

"What do you think?"

"I don't know. That's why I'm asking you."

"There is a part of me that feels like I made a mistake." I admitted reluctantly to him. "The other part of me feels free now."

He stood up and sat down beside me. "Let me ask you this" He began. "If you had to choose again, what would you pick?"

"Dauntless" I said without hesitation.

He smirked at me. "Seems like you have an answer to your question." He remarked. He put a hand on my shoulder. "Look, you've only been training for a week. You all are getting a crash course in ten weeks versus months that we in the military had. Be patient"

"So, you think I have what it takes to make it in Dauntless?" I inquired, sounding a bit hopeful.

"After how I saw you dodge Patty? Yeah" He smiled at me. A curious expression crossed his face. "Where did you learn to dodge like that?"

"I was quite good at dodge ball." I explained. "My class called me the Artful Dodger."

His smile widened. "I bet. You looked beautiful and graceful out there."

Wha-? "You think I'm beautiful and graceful?" I asked softly, my voice sounding oddly far off.

"Yes" He replied. He wrapped an arm around me and drew me closer to him. He leaned his head down and closed his eyes. I closed my eyes too. And that's when I passed out again

Or maybe it was sometime before that. Matt and I about to kiss seem like a dream. Or maybe it did happen? I don't know. I need to sleep now. I will talk about this later when I'm less concuss..


	15. Chapter 15

_From the Journal of Sarah Miller_

We headed out to the wall today. We were going by train. I sat between Lily and Cadence. Matt was on the other side of the train car with Kate and Maverick. He looked over at me, and I quickly glanced away. I pretended I wanted to look at the scenery outside the window as it passed by.

It has been a week since I passed out. Matt kissed me before I passed out…I think. I don't know if I dreamed it after I passed out or it happened before I passed out. I haven't had the nerve to ask him flat out if it really happened because it would be weird if I did. For one, I'm a married woman. Two is that I don't know how Dauntless leadership view relations between an instructor and an initiate. Three is that I don't want to ask if something that may have a fifty percent chance that it didn't happen and cause things to get even more awkward.

Just in case the kiss did happen, I distracted myself from the guilt I was feeling from it. I made myself really focus on aiming for the dummies when we practiced shooting so I didn't get Matt's attention. Well, Maverick's too since I thought he was a huge asshole. I was still great at dodging people's fists and jabs during fighting, but I wasn't good at striking back. I think the pacificism I was raised with as Amish is deeply ingrained into me. It was something I needed to break free from if I really wanted to go onto the next stage of training. I thought about asking Kate to help me there.

I looked at myself in the reflection of the window. My eye was still slightly black and blue, but not as bad as it was a week ago. I had dreaded seeing Jeramiah during this time because I was afraid of what his reaction would be if he saw me in such a state. Would he force me to leave Dauntless?

At the same time, I missed Jeremiah terribly. This was the longest I've been without my husband. I miss him especially when I went to bed and when I woke up. He wasn't by my side.

Oh, and if you want to know why I passed out is because I had a mild concussion. I was not to fight at all the next day, which caused me to drop down in the ranks by one. That didn't relieve me from having to work out and run though. However, I began to go up in the ranks a bit though the day after I was to take it easy because my shooting was getting better. Now, if I could fight better, that would be extremely great.

We arrived at the end of the track, which was near a portion of the wall that wrapped itself around the city. We climbed up some stairs and got onto a ledge. We saw Amity farmlands near the wall. Beyond that was where Lake Michigan once was. It had dried up considerably since I last saw it. You can see some water in the distance on the horizon. That was it.

"It's been quiet out there for years." Matt said to us. "That can change at any moment."

"What is out there?" Avery asked curiously.

"Total devastation" I replied honestly. "I came here on a trip when I was a kid. The roads we traveled on are either non-existent or heavily damaged." I pointed out to where Lake Michigan was. "A great lake once stood there that had water up to here." I pointed to the edge of the wall. "That amusement park over there was open and my class had a lot of fun." The memories began to hurt. So did the current ones. "Even if you're not in a war torn city or town, the aftermath of the war will get to you." I paused. "My community had no part during the war, which is understandable considering the Amish are extremely pacifistic. The enemy left us alone. They didn't see us a threat. That, and they knew that we didn't have the means to survive the aftermath of the war. Sure, we can survive no electricity. We never used it. However, to survive the toxins leaking into the soil and water from the weapons used? No, we couldn't." I felt a tear slide down my cheek. "The community I'm from is almost no more. I wouldn't be surprised if no one is left if I go back."

"Would you?" Mike asked me curiously.

I glanced at him as if he developed a new head. "Why would I?" I asked him dryly. "The reason my husband and I left there was because our community was slowly being poisoned to death. I lost my parents, my siblings, my aunts, my uncles, my cousins" I paused as my voice began to break. "My children" More tears slid out. "Now, my husband is in the process of joining them. Why would I go back to a toxic environment again just to risk the same fate that be felled them all?"

Everyone remained silent. I smirked, though it didn't reach my eyes.

"To answer your question Avery…a toxic, barren, waste land that will slowly poison you to death is out there."

The gravity of my words hung in the air. It was one thing to study and hear about what had happened. It was another thing to live it and to see it with your own eyes. Matt had looked as solemn as I had felt. However, something told me he took pity on me.

"Sarah!" A male voice cried out joyously. I looked down where the farms are. I saw a tall man with green pants and a light green shirt wave up at me. I realized it was Jeremiah. How I missed him!

"Please let me see him" I begged Matt.

"Okay" He said as he escorted me down the stairs. "Open up the door" He commanded to the Dauntless guards. "She wants to see her husband."

"Yes, sir" A Dauntless woman said as she opened up the door.

I shot through the door like a bullet and threw myself into my husband's arms. Tears of sorrow had become tears of joy. "I've miss you" I said as I hugged him tightly.

"I've missed you too." He said as he held me to him. He looked at me. A scowl crossed his face. Uh, oh…I know what that meant. I didn't want to talk about it here. I wanted to talk about it away from my Dauntless instructor and the other initiates.

"Is it okay if I patrol the perimeter?" I asked Matt curiously. It didn't need to be done since there were guards protecting the wall. However, I wanted to look like I was doing something for Dauntless rather than catch up with my husband.

"It's fine." Matt replied. "Be back in ten" I only had ten minutes to be with my husband. Better than no minutes at all.

Jeremiah offered me his arm, and I took it as we walked. "So, how are things going in Dauntless?" He asked me curiously.

I shrugged. "I guess they're going okay." I replied. "I'm getting better at shooting. Not so much with fighting though"

"So, I guess that's how you got that?" He remarked tightly, indicating my black eye.

"Yeah" I replied softly. The tension in the air was mounting. Time to distract him! "How is everything going in Amity?"

The distraction worked! He smiled. "It's going well." He answered with a smile. "I gave them good tips about farming and taking care of the animals. I've made a lot of friends."

"I'm glad to hear that." I said sincerely.

We came upon a group of four trees and few bushes. Jeremiah guided me into the center of the bushes. No one would be able to look down upon on us from the wall as the leaves from the trees covered the top of where we were. The moment we were out of sight, he had his arms around me and his mouth on my neck.

"Now that I have you alone, I want you." He whispered in my ears as his hand went between my legs. "I want you so bad."

"I want you too." I said as my mouth captured his in a kiss.

He took off his shirt and laid it upon the ground. I lay my head on it. He was on me the moment my body was on the ground's. He pushed my pants and underwear down. "I wish you still wore a dress." He complained as his fingers ran across my feminine entrance. I moaned into his mouth as he pushed a finger into me. Then, two fingers and a third quickly followed.

"We need to do this quick." I said softly as I undid the front of his pants and took out his cock. I began to rub my hand up and down the shaft.

 _Four paused. This sex scene was more graphic than the last one that she talked about. At the same time, it was hot to read. He resumed where he left off._

"That isn't hard to do." He remarked as he positioned the head of his penis at the entrance to my vagina. He rubbed it up and down before he pushed in. I groaned, but he put a hand over my mouth so I wasn't loud. We didn't want the guards from Dauntless to know what were doing. He kept a hand over my mouth as he made long and deep thrusts into me. He pumped himself into me a few more times before he released his seed into me. We kissed a little bit before he eased himself off of me. He pulled me up from the ground. We righted each other before we came away from the bushes as if nothing happened.


	16. Chapter 16

_From the Journal of Sarah Miller_

I walked back on wobbly legs as Jeremiah and I made our way back to the door in the wall. My husband had fucked me quite hard. However, I welcomed it. I wanted to feel it for as long as I can. It would have to last me until the next time we met.

I suddenly felt my cheeks flush as I saw Matt at the door with a few initiates behind him talking to some Amity members. It made me wonder if he and the older members of Amity knew what my husband and I just did. I felt like the word "Guilty" was written on my forehead as we finally joined them.

"All clear" I said in a voice that I made sure sound strong.

Matt's eyes roamed over me from head to toe. "You got a leaf in your hair."

"I do?" I rummaged my hand through my hair. It was on top of my head. "Oopsie"

"I guess we missed that one, love" Jeremiah remarked as he wrapped an arm around my shoulder.

"How can you miss a leaf on top of your head?" Cadance asked incredulously. "What were you two doing that left leaves in your head?"

Ah, someone you got to enjoy the innocence of youngins'...even if Cadance was only sixteen. I don't know how much they talk about sex in Candor. Let alone, the other fractions. I think the only fractions that remarked about sex before the Choosing Ceremony would happen is Erudite and Dauntless. Then again, I could be wrong about that.

"We were walking under those trees over there." My husband said smoothly. "A leaf must've fallen down into her hair." I was shocked for a bit. My husband? A devote Christian LYING? I swear, leaving the Amish must be making him rebel finally.

"Yes, that must've happen." Matt remarked, although he sounded skeptical. That, and looked it. Of course he knew what we had been doing. He was six years older than my husband and I were. He had a life before the war happened like my husband and I did. He was probably expose to sex from at least when he was a pre-teen if rumors are true that those in the outside world had learned about sex when they were at least in six grade. Or when they were in seventh and eighth. "It's time to go."

"Oh" I said, feeling my joy go out the window like a strong wind sucking it out. "It was great to see you, my love." I said to Jeremiah, hugging him tightly. He hugged me back just as much.

"I love you." He told me softly. He pulled away, but he kept his hands on my shoulders. "Give them Hell"

I smiled at him. "I will." I threw myself into his arms again. I can never get too much of my husband. "I love you too."

We kissed. First, it was a peck. Then, it became deeper and deeper. The world fell away from me as those lips fused to mine and his tongue would slip in. I guess the passion from our love making was still burning. We pulled a part when I heard Matt say, "Give it a rest you two"

I pulled away from my husband with my cheeks red as a tomato like one of the Amity members was holding. I hugged him before I went through the door. I heard it close behind me. I didn't want to look back. If I looked back, I would want to stay and not return to Amity. However, I had to quell that feeling down because once Jeremiah died, I would be in Amity rather than Dauntless. Hot tears were back swimming in my eyes.

We were silent as we made our way back to the train. I felt an arm wrap around itself around me. I was expecting Lily or Cadance, but it was Matt. He looked at me with understanding and sympathy.

"Did you have fun?" He asked me softly, so that the other initiates wouldn't hear him.

"Seeing my husband? Yeah"

He smirked. "Did you enjoy yourself?"

I looked up at him with a raised eyebrow. "With what?"

He leaned down closer to me and whispered in my ear, "Fucking him".

"How did you know?" I asked curiously. I thought we were quiet. We were good at that from years of practice, so we wouldn't wake the kids up.

"I know." He replied. "You forget...I used to be married with kids too." He smiled at me. "My wife and I used to do the same thing. I have to say...fucking not far away from others, that's quite brave. I'm not sure if I could ever do that myself."

"Well, I never had sex outside myself." I revealed. "However, you can understand that it's been a while since I last saw my husband."

"Of course"

As we were walking, I blurted out "I need to talk to you."

His smile was replace with concern. "About what?"

"We'll talk when we get back to Dauntless. This isn't the place for it." I told him.

"Okay"

The train ride back to Dauntless was uneventful. Cadance did remark that I seem more relaxed than usual. I didn't have the heart to tell her that a good fucking was what helped me with my mood. Instead, I say "Jeremiah just gave me something to mellow out."

"Tell me he didn't give you the serum" Cadance remarked with near horror.

"Nope, it wasn't any serum."

"Oh, that's good!"

"Why?"

"Amity have a peace serum in their bread to help mellow them." Lily explained. "That's why there are rarely in fights or conflicts in Amity."

"Oh" I remarked. "That's an interesting way to approach peace. When I was Amish, it was the threat of Hell."

"How are threats any better?" Lily asked me curiously.

I shrugged my shoulders. "Because the Amish didn't want to end up in an afterlife surrounded by flames and brimestone"

Cadance and Lily exchanged a look. I guess the way Amish dealt with conflict wasn't ideal. I don't blame them. I do kinda fancy Amity's way of keeping peace.

"Jeremiah just gave me a mixture of lavender and chamomille. They are both design to relieve stress." And make you sleepy...at least with lavender.

"I didn't know they still grew those." Cadance remarked.

"Neither did I"

Amazingly for someone that grew up in a fraction that preached honestly, I'm amazed Cadance didn't caught the lie I just fed her. Sex is a good stress reliever too. However, as we neared the Dauntless compound, I began to feel some stress return as I planned to talk to Matt about what happened a week ago.


	17. Chapter 17

Four looked at the photo again of Sarah Miller and her husband Jeremiah. It was from the day of their Choosing Ceremony eighty years ago. They were holding hands. Jeremiah averted his gaze from the camera while Sarah directly looked at it. They were still in their Amish apparel.

He also found a picture of Sarah in her Dauntless garb where she work black pants, a long sleeve black shirt, and had her short hair tied up. On the back, it said it was taken two days after joining Dauntless.

He had wished there had been a picture of her children he could look at. However, as she said in the journal, the Amish didn't keep photos of themselves. Or they didn't usually allowed to be photographed or be on a video camera.

He had a long day at work. So, he decided to do some bed time reading before going to sleep. He picked up where he left off.

 _From the Journal of Sarah Miller_

I was anxious as we got off the train. Well, I always get anxious when I get off the train due to my fear of heights. _Four could understand what she meant by that. Then, he resumed reading._ However, I was about to have a difficult discussion with my instructor about something that I thought happened a week ago. I just wanted to clear the air with him and make my feelings known.

I had to admit I was attracted to him, both physically and sexually. There were nights where I dreamt about both Matt and Jeremiah making love to me. I would wake up feeling aroused and guilty at the same time because I would be violating the commandment "Thou shall not commit adultery"...having fantasies about another man that isn't my husband. You would be amazed how it didn't matter that it was just a thought or a dream. It was still bad to have these thoughts as much as acting on them. I would be reprimanded by my bishop and priest for these thoughts despite the lack of action I would make on them. Yep, it went that far. However, as long as Jeremiah was still alive, I was going to strive to be faithful to him till the very end...even if I have to put my attraction to Matt on the back burner.

"So, what did you want to talk about?" Matt asked beside me after we all jumped down into the net.

"Can we go somewhere private?"

"Sure" He lead me up to the roof of one of the buildings that made up the Dauntless compound. "What do you want to talk about?" He asked again, sounding a little bit impatient, when we arrived at the roof.

I took a deep breath. "I just want to clear the air."

"About?"

I took another deep breath. My chest felt like it was tightening up. I had to be careful since it felt like my asthma was getting irritated. "Something happened, I think, over a week ago."

"Okay" He said stoically.

"Just before I passed out...it seemed like you..." Another deep breath "Kissed me" I paused. "I don't know whether or not it actually happened."

"It didn't." He said rather quickly, his voice dry. "You did pucker your lips though, which I found amusing."

My cheeks went hot. "Oh"

"Are you disappointed?" He asked me point blank.

"No" I said rather quickly myself.

"Liar"

"Excuse me"

He chuckled. "You're disappointed that I didn't kiss you." He told me. "That expression is painted onto your face right now."

"Oh"

"Look, I like you Sarah." He said honestly. "However, I wouldn't do anything with you right now. I don't mess with married women. Period"

A smile touched my face. "You like me?"

"Yeah, I do." He admitted. "It hurts that I can't do anything about it right now. However, know that I have your back."

"I like you too." I said a bit bashfully. It was replaced though with a frown. "However, like you said, I am married and I want to remain faithful to my husband until..." I couldn't finish that sentence.

"Passes" Matt finished it for me.

"Yeah"

He smiled at me. "It's nice to know we're on the same page." He remarked.

"It is." I agreed. "I just feel guilty I'm having feelings about another man when I have Jeremiah."

"It is understandable." He told me sternly. "I think it's natural to look when you're on the verge of losing someone you love. It's to give you options in the future."

"Yeah, but I would've been reprimanded for it if I was still back home. I would be cheating on my husband even if you and I weren't physically doing anything. The thought is as bad as the action."

"Well, I'm not Amish." He tipped my head up to look at him with his finger. "Neither are you any more. You don't have to live by Amish law any more when you're in Dauntless."

"I know"

"Just know that I will be here for you before, during, and when the time comes." He assured me before he left the roof.

It didn't take a rocket scientist to figure out what he was talking about "when the time comes". That means when Jeremiah meets his maker.


End file.
